The fall season is finally upon us, and you know what that means – Halloween is just around the corner! If you’re anything like me you not only have an extensive collection of antique thimbles and candle snuffers, but you also have a surplus of deep rooted emotional issues that cause you to still revel in the squeamish joys that come with Halloween. Scary movies, haunted houses, trick-or-treating, waking up on November 1st in a gutter; Halloween always floods my mind with the fondest of memories. But, admittedly, there are some aspects of the holiday that aren’t so peachy and I’m not just talking about the razor-flavored candy that I got last year. I’m referring to the people who ruin Halloween by dressing up in the most obnoxious, obvious and played out costumes every year. These individuals are the same innovation-less meatheads who dressed up as Borat in 2006, Monica Lewinsky’s dress in 1998 and a sexy-something every single year since they got a fake ID (I’ll get to you people later). Since I want the fine visitors of eCollegeFinder.org to have the best Halloween they’ve ever had, I’ve decided to put together a list of costumes that will be worn by people named “Chet” or “Brad”, multiple people at the same party and are certainly the ones you’ll want to avoid this year.
1. Michael Jackson
The popularity of King of Pop costumes have seen an ebb and flow over the years that has coincided with any of his facial rearrangements, baby danglings or child handlings. But this year should be the year-to-end-all-years for people to dress as ‘the gloved one’. And to be perfectly honest with you, I actually have little problem with inventive MJ costumes; decorum prohibiting me from listing a few of my favorites here. It’s just that I can guarantee you a majority of Halloween party goers and trick-or-treaters will be garbed in some variation of Jackson’s many looks. He’s certainly a personality that can be fun to dress up as, but stray from the herd this year and think outside the glove.
2. Wolverine (aka ‘Logan’, aka ‘Weapon X’, aka ‘I have no friends’)
There are several problems with dressing up as Wolverine. First and foremost, you can only dress as Hugh Jackman’s version of Wolverine from the X-Men films since donning the yellow spandex outfit from the comics will earn you looks of repulse at the punch bowl. Second, Hugh Jackman goes shirtless for about 98% of the X-Men movies and most of the people who’d actually want to dress as Wolverine look less like Hugh Jackman and more like Dom DeLuise. Third, you will not – I repeat – will not be able to ever get your hair like that no matter how much Paul Mitchell molding paste you use. And finally, how do you plan on getting all that adamantium to cover your bones? It’s too much of a hassle. I recommend for you to go with the infinitely cooler, ‘Shoeverine’.
3. Jon and/or Kate Gosselin
I’ll be the first to admit that it has to incredibly tempting for you women out there to take a stroll down Hilarious Street by dressing up as Kate Gosselin, of ‘Jon & Kate Plus Legal Separation’ fame. Her hair alone is an incredible source of comedic gold. And don’t even get me started on Jon Gosselin, of ‘Jon & Kate Plus Extramarital Affairs’ fame. Any guy who chain smokes, wears a Bluetooth earpiece to bed and refuses to dress in anything but skull & cross bone themed attire is ripe for Halloween mockery. But for reasons I’m sure you’re all too familiar with, this isn’t the year to show up as the couple with millions of problems and even more kids. You may want to consider dressing as Jon Gosselin’s best pal, Michael Lohan. All you’ll need is a daughter whose acting career is just about as dried up as her kidneys.
4. Barack Obama
Presidents, ex-Presidents and Presidential scandals have always been a Halloween staple. From the infamous Nixon and Reagan masks (best used in the bromance classic, Point Break) to the aforementioned sullied dress of the Clinton-era, Halloween party-goers have and always will take advantage of the White House’s most famous tenant. That said, considering the historic nature surrounding our most recent presidential election, you’ll see an increase this year as people Barack-out. More importantly, for the first time in my life we have a president who is more boring and plain than my cousin Jacob. And he’s Amish. There really isn’t anything clever or humorous you can do to spice up an Obama costume since he hasn’t done anything ridiculous yet. But don’t worry, give him time. I have faith that he’s capable of harassing an intern or two by the end of this term.
5. A Sexy - ‘Blank’
Ok. Just stop. Stop it. You look ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing sexy about a nurse or a police officer considering the fact that I’ve been arrested by one and probed by the other. And to be entirely truthful, the police officer did both. Year after year girls head out in droves as ‘sexy cats’ or ‘sexy accountants’, beckoning men to “audit” them. I don’t even know what that means. And while I definitely don’t mind the ‘sexy’ aspect of such a costume, the second half of the equation often falls prey to the most awful and basic of suggestive humor; degrading its wearer in far more harmful ways than the 8 square inches of material that the costume is made from. Plus, would your grandmother think that outfit is appropriate to go out in? I know that mine wouldn’t. But that’s mainly due to the fact that she considers an exposed female wrist to be, ‘scandalous’.
We’ve given you the worst. Now here’s the best. Well, not the best. When it comes to my writing nothing is ever the best. You will never see the best from me. Never.
Anyway, here’s a list of Halloween costumes that have either made me laugh or that I’ve found to be somewhat inventive. In other words, these are costumes (or costume categories) that no one will understand or appreciate besides me. So, per usual, it’s all about me. ME. NOT YOU, ME.
▪ Cheating Husband / Wife
Infidelity, what a gas! This is an incredibly simple costume that can be altered to hilarious degrees. Lipstick on the collar, tussled hair, wedding ring in the shirt pocket, various hickies peppering the neck – dress this up anyway you see fit. I based my cheating husband costume off pictures of my father from the 80s. And the 90s.
▪ The FedEx Pope
From the annals of Late Night with Conan O’Brien (back when it was actually funny) comes The FedEx Pope. This is another really simply costume to put together. All you need is a free FedEx shipping box in place of the Pope’s mitre, a dirty old robe (preferably yellow and stained, just like my teeth), mismatching dirty slippers and a glass of red wine.
▪ Ernest
HAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD;SFVA./,V/…..HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!..............Ernest.
▪ Teen Wolf
This costume is far more involved, but the effort will not go undeserved. I’ve seen variations of this costume (with the denim jacket, etc.), but the only way to dress this thing is full-on Beaver Basketball Uniform. There are sites that offer ‘hairy leggings & sleeves’, which will work in this costume.
▪ 80’s Guilty Pleasure Movies
Even though Teen Wolf fits into this category, I wanted to throw together a few movie suggestions whose characters are not only recognizable, but would also make cheap costumes.
Footloose
Easy – tight grey sweatshirt, even tighter light blue jeans, dirty white canvas sneakers and the spirit of dance.
Lucas Barton from The Wizard
This is a little more complex. You’ll need a cheesy black trench coat, jeans, sneakers and the almighty Nintendo Power Glove. “I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”
Point Break
Not too tough – suits and ex-President masks. Oh yeah, you also need to be ok with slapping an intense ‘high-five’ in mid-air after jumping out of a plane.
▪ Hollow Man
Just stay home.
Can you tell that the entire eCollegeFinder staff is obsessed with Halloween? We’ve been doing nothing but watching scary movies, eating candy corn and funneling apple cider for the past three weeks. Needless to say, we’ve all lost hours of sleep and developed vitamin deficiencies, but that hasn’t stopped us from preparing for our killer Halloween party.
Here are a few tips and pointers that should make your gathering a shockingly good time. Just remember to have fun, live and die by all of our commands and let your inhibitions go. I mean, come on, Halloween’s on a Saturday.
▪ Food & Drink:
Take some advice from a chronic overeater; nothing kicks off a holiday bash in a bigger way than a cornucopia of seasonal snacks. Since Fall is upon us, pumpkin-treats are a must and they should be the focal point for everything besides the main course (which, as we all know, has to be pizza).
Pumpkin bread, cookies and pie are obvious selections for any Autumnal gathering, but those who are willing to get a little experimental should throw in a cocktail or two to get everybody in the holiday spirit.
If you’re a bartender at heart and can track down a bottle of maple liqueur, the Pumpkintini is a festive aperitif that should please the female populous (sorry to be sexist… but come on). For the male partygoers (i.e. people who really want a Pumpkintini, but don’t want to look like a ladyboy), I recommend Dogfish Head’s delicious Pumpkin Ale, which is one of the few pumpkin brews that maintains a nice balance between spicy October treat and crisp pale ale.
It’s also always a good idea to respect your vegetarian, vegan and allergy-prone friends, so select your offerings based on those in attendance and don’t put your reputation at risk by serving veal or foie gras.
▪ Entertainment:
Although alcoholic beverages are entertainment enough for some (i.e. me), most of your guests probably want to do more than get obscenely drunk and sleep in the yard.
Pumping up the jams and getting an 80’s style dance party going are always great ideas and people will definitely be less self-conscious about busting out their moves dressed as pirates, zombies and Monica Lewinsky.
Download a Halloween-themed playlist from iTunes, make your own life-changing mixtape or just throw on a Misfits CD and groove all night long.
You can also set the mood by playing a creepy horror movie in the background. Set the volume to mute and let your TV act as some sort of incredibly expensive party decoration… unless the World Series is on, which will turn all of your guests into boring, baseball obsessed drones.
▪ Décor:
Speaking of decorations, turning your humble abode into a haunted den of iniquity may be the most important aspect of preparation for your Halloween gala.
While carved pumpkins and phony cobwebs are the gold standard, it can’t hurt to mix things up and be original. Old curtains or gauze pads can be fashioned into ghostly shapes and stained clothing and scrap lumber are all you need for an incredible scarecrow.
I’d also hit up the folks for some of their Halloween leftovers. My mom has garbage bags full of amazingly cheesy lawn ornaments and I’m sure your junk-hording matriarchs have some as well.
It also might be a good idea to buy inexpensive, low-maintenance decorations. Think of the relief you’ll feel as you drunkenly force your obnoxious guests out the front door and realize that all of this Halloween crap can go right into the garbage.
In closing, don’t forget to have a raging time at your Halloween bash and now is the time to get super stoked for next week’s amazing Halloween costume blog.
See ya then!
So, it’s 10:15pm on a Wednesday and my wife has been gone for the past 4 days on a team-building camping trip with her students. 72 hours ago I officially finished moving into our new house and although I love the space, I’ve had a somewhat difficult time acclimating to the nights here where it’s been just me and my 11 pound dog. Excuse me, let me rephrase that; the evenings at this place have been nothing short of pure terror as I lay in bed listening to the symphony of horror disguised as a series of the most awful house settling creaks and moans to have ever existed. Fun!
Anyway, number 3 on the list below just popped up on Cinemax, which means I can look forward to a night chock full of waiting for some human-spider-hybrid to cozy up next to me for a goodnight kiss. In the meanwhile, you’re more than welcome to dissect, ridicule and be confused by my list of the ten greatest horror movies ever made. Also, be sure to check out the ‘Diaper Moments’ below, depicting the scariest bits in each individual movie.
10. An American Werewolf in London (1981)
Many fellow horror aficionados (and 30 year old pony-tailed obese men whose ‘roommates’ are their parents) would argue that ‘An American Werewolf…’ belongs nowhere near a list of horror films since much of its dialogue is both comedic in tone and delivery, thus rendering it a comedy. To those individuals who question the films’ genre, I direct you to the picture located on the right. This image is a screenshot of the film during one of its many nightmare sequences. It is also the reason for the plastic bed sheets forced upon me when I first saw the movie in 1991. Or at least that’s what I tell my wife. Any levity found in ‘Werewolf’ should be considered as a wildly effective tool used by its’ director, John Landis. The movie relaxes you with comedy then shocks with scenes featuring some of the most terrifying images I’ve ever encountered. This is a movie guaranteed to ruin your grandmother’s pacemaker.
Diaper Moment: The aforementioned nightmare sequence that ends with the cutie pie above.
9. The Wicker Man (1973)
To answer your question, no; this film has no connection to the ‘Burning Man’ parties held in late August across the country. First of all, ‘The Wicker Man’ isn’t about a bunch of smelly hippies dancing to 22 minute versions of awful Perpetual Groove songs around an enormous burning wooden structure. It’s about a bunch of Celtic pagan psychopaths ritualistically dancing around an enormous burning wooden structure, which just so happens to house the films’ protagonist. And to answer your second question, yes; I do secretly own Perpetual Groove’s entire catalogue. The films’ most frightening scenes are more cerebral than your average jump-scares, but are just as effective, if not more so. Hot on the heels of a string of successful, albeit corny, Dracula flicks, Christopher Lee turns in one of the greatest religious zealot nut bag performances of all time; only second to Billy Graham and that Christ guy.
Diaper Moment: Sergeant Neil Howie screaming as he’s forced inside The Wicker Man.
8. Jacob’s Ladder (1990)
Half a study of the effects of war on the human psyche / half validation for the handful of Ambien I took to get me to fall asleep the first night I saw it, ‘Jacob’s Ladder’ is the Holy Grail of disturbing film going experiences. ‘Ladder’ also marks two important events in my life; 1) The first time I took Tim Robbins seriously since ‘Howard the Duck’ and 2) The first time I ever cried from being too scared. I’m dead serious. Try getting through the scene mentioned in the ‘Diaper Moment’ below without being affected on a profoundly deep level. It’s actually too much.
The supporting cast is a bit lacking (which is why it isn’t higher on the list), but I cannot stress enough just how much sleep you will lose after seeing this film. Clear your calendar.
Diaper Moment: Tim Robbins’ girlfriend, Elizabeth Pena, dances with a friend who slowly becomes a winged-demon-beast-thing and somehow causes a horn to erupt from Pena’s mouth. A special thanks goes out to Mom & Dad for getting HBO in my bedroom when I was a kid! Expect an invoice from my psychiatrist.
7. The Shining (1980)
For a while, I was under the impression that the only thing Jack Nicholson was good at was getting Roman Polanski to leave the country. It turns out that he’s also great at acting like a murderous mental patient with a penchant for quoting Ed McMahon. If you’ve yet to see the ghost house epic that is ‘The Shining’, please forget the iconic quotes and images you’ve been fed by mass marketing since 80’. Instead, prepare yourself for the most frightening bathroom scene in movie history, three powerhouse performances and the single least attractive female lead of all time. No offense, but Shelley Duvall’s face is half the reason why ‘The Shining’ is as terrifying as it is.
Diaper Moment: As Jack Torrance’s grip on reality slips away, he hallucinates a beautiful woman in one of the rooms of the vacant resort he’s been commissioned to manage during the off season. Things take a turn for the worse after pulling away from kissing her; he’s been kissing the rapidly decomposing body of an elderly dead woman.
6. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
The follow up to Romero’s seminal zombie masterpiece, ‘Night of the Living Dead’ (which we’ll get to later), ‘Dawn…’ picks up with a new group of survivors several weeks after the initial zombie outbreak. As the government tries to handle the exponentially growing threat of undead, bad-a** Ken Foree & three others fortify a shopping mall in hopes of outlasting the zombie crisis. The ‘Citizen Kane’ of gore classics, ‘Dawn’ is 100% horror fun in its purest form. A must see for any fan of the genre.
Diaper Moment: SWAT operative, Ken Foree, stumbles upon a holding pen packed with frenzied zombies feeding on their own relatives.
5. [REC] (2007)
Ever since its’ mainstream introduction with ‘The Blair Witch Project’ in 99’, the “found footage” tactic in horror has become as stale as Joan Rivers’ breast milk. Recent “found footage” entries, like ‘Cloverfield’, have abused the format as more of a gimmick than a legitimate plot point. ‘[REC]’, on the other hand, nurtures and reinvents the shaky-cam subgenre (if you can even call it that while keeping a straight face) by treating the camera as a character. Spanish filmmakers, Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza, are on a mission to abuse the audience on a purely visceral level with their shocking take on the increasingly tired zombie genre. Spicing things up a bit by adding in elements of ‘The Exorcist’, ‘[REC]’ makes the most of its surprisingly modest budget. It’s a film that may turn off some viewers with its slow start, but once it picks up you can expect to find yourself numb after the credits roll. Do yourself a favor and take a pass on the American remake, ‘Quarantine’.
Diaper Moment: The final 4 minutes. I defy you to experience a good night’s sleep after watching it.
4. The Fly (1986)
Featuring the single most depressing ending since ‘Old Yeller’, Cronenberg’s adaptation of ‘The Fly’, utilizes Shakespearean themes and state of the art makeup and creature effects to tell the tale of a brilliant scientist who becomes a man-fly, then a fly-man and ultimately…Jeff Goldblum. Actually it’s the other way around. It’s a one-man show as Goldblum’s Dr. Seth Brundle bounces off walls, chews scenery and vomits digestive enzymes on fellow cast members. As with all of Cronenberg’s films, there’s more than meets the eye here. Or should I say…meets…THE FLY!!!!!
Sorry.
Diaper Moment: In an attempt to impress a girl, Brundle challenges her enormous boyfriend to an arm wrestling contest. Still not fully in control of his new found strength, Brundle gives the boyfriend’s arm a compound fracture.
3. The Thing (1982)
Although it’s technically a remake of ‘The Thing from Another World’, Carpenter’s vision is entirely different and far more brutal than its origins. Tremendous in scope and post-apocalyptic in tone, ‘The Thing’ is the ultimate who-dun-it of horror. Its creature effects are still shockingly impressive and Kurt Russell’s performance is extraordinary.
Diaper Moment: Dr. Cooper tries to revive Norris after he appears to have a heart attack. When Cooper attempts defibrillation both his hands and the paddles break through Norris’ chest revealing a giant mouth lined with jagged teeth.
2. In the Mouth of Madness (1994)
Criminally underappreciated, ‘In the Mouth of Madness’ documents the end of days through a ‘what if’ scenario involving a Stephen King-esque writer and his growing legion of fans whose rabid allegiance give the stories the power to become reality. I don’t even want to tell you more than that because going into this film blindly is the best way to experience it. People turning into monsters, literary agents going axe happy in midtown Manhattan and Sam Neill running away from something that isn’t from the Cretaceous period; all I can say is, “Do you read Sutter Cane?”
Diaper Moment: Sam Neill’s character, John Trent, investigates an odd sound coming from his hotel’s basement. He finds the hotel’s owner, the elderly Mrs. Pickman, in the midst of changing into a squid-like beast and hacking her husband up with an axe.
1. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
It’s really impossible for me to say anything that hasn’t already been said about this film. It’s not only my favorite horror movie, but it is without a doubt my favorite movie of all time. Hands down.
Diaper Moment: “They’re coming to get you, Barbara.”
Halloween is truly a holiday of epicurean delights. I mean, what other day in a year is exclusively reserved for gorging yourself on Fun Size Butterfingers, launching pumpkins at your neighbor’s shed, dressing in a ball gown and partying like you don’t have to work in the morning (thank God this year’s is on a Saturday)?
Yet, there’s one crucial, oft-forgotten element to this decadent day of debauchery that is integral to stirring up an eerie ambience: The Horror Film. These little cinematic candy apples are the perfect accompaniment to your hard cider and a chilly, October night wouldn’t be the same without old dark houses, masked prowlers and charming vampires.
With that said it’s time to dim the lights, pop the popcorn and snuggle up to that special someone, ‘cause here are the ten best horror films of all time.
10. Black Christmas (1974)
Birthing the slasher genre, bringing a macabre touch to the holidays and making telecommunication forever unnerving, Black Christmas carried the torch that would be passed on to Halloween, Friday the 13th and an endless number of films that range from sincere homage to direct knock-off.
Plagued by prank phone calls and worried about a missing housemate (she’s not as missing as they think), three sorority sisters seek the police chief’s guidance, but have no idea that the caller in question may be waiting for them in their own attic.
Featuring an unbelievable cast (including a hilarious performance by a drunken Margot Kidder), great set design and excellent camera work, BC is top-notch filmmaking on every level with originality and charisma to spare. Yet, none of its aesthetic qualities can match the goose bumps you’ll have while hearing the deranged phone calls from our nursery rhyme-obsessed slasher. As he wails like a crying baby and oinks like a pig, you’ll lose a week of sleep, check the attic every 20 minutes and tear your landline from the wall.
9. Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
If you’ve ever been creeped out by your nosy next-door neighbor (or just plumb afraid of old people), Rosemary’s Baby is the fright flick for you.
After moving into the Bamford, a Manhattan apartment complex chock-full of eccentrics and busybodies, Rosemary Woodhouse begins to fear that her neighbors are overly involved in the trappings of her pregnancy. She’s also quite disturbed by a late-night fever dream involving a tryst with a horned man-beast in front of a throng of cloaked Satanists.
Needless to say, this nerve-shattering moment will send even the most hardened gorehound to bed with an industrial-size nightlight and pair of nunchucks strapped to their chest.
NOTE: Do not watch this with anyone who is currently expecting. Seriously… unless you want to turn Halloween into the night where your pregnant sister Becky stabbed you in the arm with a carving knife.
8. The Exorcist (1973)
Much debated and often unfairly maligned, this iconic demonic possession flick is the gold standard when it comes to evil children, foul-mouthed demons and creepy subliminal messages.
When the 12-year old daughter of an internationally renowned actress begins to speak in Latin, spew bright green vomit and make unsavory remarks to her mother, legendary exorcist, Father Merrin is brought in to battle the unholy one toe-to-toe.
Watching this with a first-timer is a moment you can’t put a price on, especially after you see their jaw drop during one of the many show-stoppingly disturbing moments this Oscar-nominee has to offer.
7. Repulsion (1965)
Our second film on the list directed by Roman Polanski, Repulsion is also the grimmest, depicting the psychological breakdown of a shy cosmetologist who is so afraid of interacting with young men that she imagines them sneaking into her bedroom at night and reaching for her through her apartment walls.
Albeit that this is not a film that most would consider fun fare, it is a uniquely cerebral take on the genre and would be great for the art schooler or cineaste seeking a refined pleasure on All Hallows’ Eve.
6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of those movies that forces you to look at everything differently. Never again will you eat barbecued beef, pick up a hitchhiker, go on a road 
trip, visit the American South, accept help from a kindly elderly gentleman… The rest of your life will be one of horrified mistrust and paranoia after seeing this all-too-real modern cannibal epic.
Yet, you won’t be able to turn away and I recommend clutching a pillow for safety during the loud and maniacal final 30 minutes.
5. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Currently next on tap for the remake treatment, this first Elm Street affair is by the far the best of the series and predates any of Freddy Krueger’s unamusing stabs at stand-up comedy.
Focusing on the attractive and witty Nancy Thompson, Nightmare does two things extremely well. It manages to be a realistic portrayal of life for the American teen and a surrealistic vision of night terrors, especially those brought on by a nocturnal stalker as perverse and inhuman as only Freddy can be.
This is also a great one to watch with a group, especially if you’re a Johnny Depp fanatic and pine for him every night by your life-size Pirates of the Caribbean standup.
4. Carrie (1976)
Based on Stephen King’s novel of the same name, Carrie is the ultimate revenge epic for anyone who got pushed around in high school.
Raised in a strict Christian household and never allowed to wear lipstick or speak to boys, Carrie White was a social misfit who drew out the wrath of the popular chick clique after suffering an unfortunate mishap in the gym locker room.
When these mean girls try to humiliate her again (in a truly sad sequence at the Senior Prom), Carrie retorts by using her telekinetic powers (a gift she has previously hidden) and laying wake to everything in her path.
Although my description made this film sound way too self-serious and absurd, there is actually a lot of fun to be had. John Travolta’s performance as the beer-swilling, idiotic boyfriend of Carrie’s nemesis will be so much like the guy you hated in high school that you won’t help but laugh at how amazing the performance is.
3. Halloween (1978)
You know the theme music, the masked man, and the premise. Now it’s time to rewatch the original and rid your mind of the appalling gaffe that was Rob Zombie’s 
take on the Halloween series.
Focusing on naïve babysitter Laurie Strode (in a genre-defining performance by Jamie Lee Curtis), Halloween crafted the template for slasher cinema, masterfully utilizing scare tactics and camera angles that would become passé and worn-out within a few years of its release.
Yet, Halloween has always maintained an ability to shock and petrify that none of its successors could manage to muster and it is a testament to its genius that the final moments of Jamie Lee vs. Michael Myers are still so frightening in their simplicity.
2. Night of the Living Dead (1968) / Dawn of the Dead (1978)
When an undiagnosed epidemic causes Earth’s dead to rise from their graves, a pack of temperamental humans barricade themselves in a Western Pennsylvania farmhouse and struggle to figure a way out of this mess. And with this modesty-budgeted tale began the zombie hysteria that has swept the world over the past 40 years.
Its sequel would show a world in ruin and focus on four opportunists who decide to squat in an abandoned mall and wait out the zombie epidemic. Unfortunately, the 
world won’t wait and when the living dead decide to get some shopping done, the previously contented party must arm themselves and defend their claim.
Although two entirely different films, George A. Romero’s earliest undead efforts perfectly encapsulate the subgenre, foretelling the future of horror cinema and American pop culture. It is also interesting to see how Romero shifted tone between the two features, going for a stark and disturbing tale of horror in the original and an epic, satirical frenzy in the follow-up.
1. Psycho (1960)
Alfred Hitchcock’s shocking and inventive black-and-white thriller is my list’s reigning champion and the prototype for all fright flicks that would follow.
When mild-mannered secretary Marion Crane steals $40 grand from her hick boss and hightails it to Arizona to marry her alimony-ridden boyfriend, she makes a quick pit stop at a small, secluded motel for a good night’s sleep. Little does she know that her overnight visit and brief discussion with proprietor Norman Bates would indefinitely change the course of the rest of her life.
Speaking of life changing, this film is mandatory viewing for all movie buffs and novices alike and I sincerely plead with those who’ve seen it to not ruin any of its delightfully twisted plot points for first-time viewers.
So, if you are untainted by Wikipedia synopses and loud-mouthed friends, the thrills and chills of this immortal spook show will make for one ghoulishly fun Halloween.
Tune in next Tuesday for an alternate take on the greatest horror movies all time from another member of the eCollegeFinder staff!
It’s that time of year again and I’m not talking about the annual Val Kilmer Film Festival that I hold in my basement (we got Top Secret! on DVD for this year). I’m talking about graduation. Whether it be from High School, College or AA the graduation season is upon us. And as those countless square black caps are flung into the air the burden of providing the flinger with a great graduation gift may fall solely on your shoulders. Fear not readers, as I have done all the work for you! Below you will find a list of the most requested graduation gifts by recent grads. It’s sort of like MTV’s Total Request Live, but it’s not ‘Live’ and I’m not nearly as good looking as Carson Daly. If TRL were ever hosted by a younger fatter Walter Matthau, then this list would be exactly like TRL. Anyway, on to the list…
▪ iPod Touch
Price: $229
First and foremost, I’d be plum surprised if your gift recipient didn’t already own some derivation of the iPod. But if they don’t have the iPod touch then you’re about to rock their world, my friend. It’s essentially the iPhone without that whole ‘ability to make and/or receive phone calls’ thing. With features like a crystal clear touch screen menu and video display, touch & movement responsive technology for games, access to free iPod-exclusive applications, the ability to synch up with local Wi-Fi internet and (of course) mass music storage – you can’t go wrong. And depending on your relationship to the graduate, it’s an item that won’t put too much of a dent in your wallet. However, with a price tag starting at $229 I wouldn’t recommend it for your redheaded 2nd step-cousin twice removed.
▪ Val Kilmer’s Top Secret! on DVD
Price: $8.99
Enough said.
▪ Laptop Computer
Price: $350 - $2,000 +
This is yet another pricey gift that I wouldn’t be handing over to the redheaded step-cousin crowd. And it’s obviously better suited as a gift for a college-bound graduate, but it’s just what every 18-25 year old wants. If you’re reading this post then I strongly doubt you need me to explain what a laptop is/does. However, I’ll mention a few points of interest to consider when shopping for one. First of all, there are a bunch of sites and manufacturers (see Apple & Dell) that offer discounts on laptops for students enrolled in college. Also, if the computer’s primary use is internet browsing and email, then the smaller and often less expensive ‘netbooks’ may be a more economical choice.
▪ Digital Camera
Price: $50 - $500 +
Ahh, memories. How fond I am of things that just happened. But ever since my freak brain-freeze injury at last year’s Ice Cream Social I’ve been having trouble remembering things. Thankfully, my trusty digital camera allows me to relive those forgotten experiences time and time again! It’s a great gift for every High School / College graduate who’s big on nostalgia, but light on attention-span. The thing to remember when shopping for one of these buggers is that the user will probably carry it around in either a purse or a pocket. So be sure to avoid hulking editorial cameras with detachable 32-inch zoom lenses. The beauty part (in most cases) is the smaller the camera the lower the price.
When shopping keep the economy in mind and you’re bound to find some great deals. Also, be sure to start your search online. You’ll probably be able to find some ridiculous free shipping offers on top electronics. Good luck!
As the spring semester comes to a close and anxious co-eds prepare for a bright yellow sun and limited responsibility, a lucky few will be gearing up for a seasonal internship or profession in their field of study. Sadly, not all college students are guaranteed career nurturing employment between semesters and most will end up scouring Main St. or the local shopping mall for sustainable income during the dog days of summer.
Luckily, we feel your pain and we’ve made a shortlist dedicated to those out their without industry connections or rich parents. Here’s to those of you seeking hassle free summer employment that’ll put a few bucks in your pocket and a smile on your face.
1. Administrative Assistant: More commonly known as a secretary, administrative assistants are much more than a desk jockey who answers phones and plays computer games all day. Often, they act as the glue that holds the office together, setting up meetings and personally handling all of the office manager’s professional correspondence. The position can also be a great way to break into an industry and gain much needed work experience. And who knows, you could probably play a little Mine Sweeper when nobody’s looking.
2. Landscaper: If working outdoors and being active is your cup of tea, landscaping companies are always seeking seasonal employees to help mow lawns, plant gardens and perform general tasks. Aspiring horticulturists and architects can also benefit from their time as a green thumbed apprentice, since plant life and technical drawing are necessary in equal measure. What isn’t necessary is rampant shirtlessness, so keep you clothes on, macho men.
3. Pizza Delivery Person: Hear me out on this one. The goofy uniform and low wages are a small price to pay for a position of such convenience. As a delivery guy, you can earn a ton of cash in tips, cruise your local streets listening to your favorite tunes and rarely do anything tougher than navigate a map. Lest we forget the endless amounts of free (or relatively cheap) pizza, flexible scheduling and gas reimbursement (most pizza shops will swing you a few bucks for the trouble). It’s the perfect antithesis to being stuck in a stuffy office all summer.
4. Record Store Clerk: Hey hipsters! Sick of spending time locked in your bedroom fawning over Joy Division b-sides and back issues of Skyscraper. Well, take your passion to the streets and post up behind the register at your local record shop. Not only will you be able to hear great new music everyday and snag records at a discount price, you’ll get the chance to turn other people on to the tracks you’ve got in heavy rotation. And it can’t hurt to get some retail management experience, which is extremely beneficial for business majors or those with the entrepreneurial spirit.
5. Summer Camp Counselor: What could be better than a summer filled with dodge ball, swimming and campfire stories? As a camp counselor, you’ll get to spend time in the great outdoors, mentor kids that look up to you and potentially have a summer tryst with an attractive co-worker. Well, I can’t guarantee the last part, but that’s the way it happened in all of those 80’s teen movies and it would be un-American to question their irrefutable logic. Prospective educators will also benefit from spending quality time with children in an informal environment.
I’ve got to lose some weight. Seriously. It’s getting ridiculous. I’m going to be that one dude in the water this summer still wearing a t-shirt. You know the one. I’m him and I’m sorry for ruining your afternoon.
To make up for my physically damaging love affair with scrapple, egg and cheese sandwiches, I’ve put together a list of some awesome summer break destinations where you won’t see a wet black Allman Brothers t-shirt desperately cling to my swinging gut.
▪ Miami & South Beach, Florida
As you’ll soon realize, this is basically a list of places that I either can’t stand and/or have no right being a part of. South Beach, FL is a perfect example of this. Every year millions of college students make their pilgrimage to this Mecca of the tan, the beautiful and the over-hair-gelled. While the city is admittedly not my cup of tea, it’s a town with a pulse. In South Beach you’ll find a buzzing club scene, incredible local live music and a bunch of hotel packages that’ll fit almost any student budget (depending on how much you plan to spend on mixed drinks and cover charges). And although the city is packed all summer long with college kids, it’s not nearly as nuts as Daytona Beach and allows you to get away from the craziness if you want. Renowned Italian and Spanish restaurants pepper the town and give the city an extra boost of worldliness (check out the ‘world-famous’ sweet pecorino cheese ravioli at Sardinia Enoteca Ristorante).
As long as you avoid the bacteria and STD-laden ‘pool parties’ that South Beach has become famous for (see Wet Grooves where a shot of penicillin should be your ticket in), you’re bound to have an awesome time even if by mistake.
▪ Cancun, Mexico
As images of The Ruins & Turistas flood my head, I give my full endorsement to Cancun as the summer break destination for ‘of-age’ college students (not that it really matters once you get down there). Most people associate Cancun with Spring Break instead of summer, but it’s less crowded during the summer months and you’re able to take advantage of majorly discounted travel packages. Even if you’re not into that whole, ’27 dudes standing around 1 girl at a bar’ thing, there are amazing world-class tours and Cancun’s Mayan & Yucatan archaeological sites are an absolute experience to see. So whether you fall victim to the cliché of drunken college kid or enthusiastic culture vulture, Cancun has a little something for everyone.
▪ Acapulco, Mexico
Where else can you find go-karts, jungle tours, bullfights, pro-golf courses, world-famous sport fishing and first class dining and accommodations all within a mile radius of each other? Now that I’ve reread that question, Neverland Ranch is first to come to mind. But the answer I was hinting at was Acapulco. It’s infinitely more fun than Neverland Ranch and you don’t have to deal with Michael Jackson constantly trying to give you ‘Jesus Juice’. But I digress. When it comes to activities, accommodations and price, Acapulco is essentially Cancun 2.0, but it doesn’t have as much of a draw as Cancun does. Therefore, you don’t have to put up with as many shirtless meatheads screaming, “Yeah, Brah!” at each other. Be sure to take the Coyuca Lagoon Tour (which, for an all-day excursion, is surprisingly cheap), try the bacon-wrapped quail at El Olvido and jet ski the length of Revolcadero Beach.
▪ Las Lenas, Argentina (skiing)
Skiing in the summer. It is possible and it is good. This is for all those who, like me, turn a flamingo pink when Caribbean sun exposure lasts more than 14 minutes. The Las Lenas resort in Argentina offers a ski season of June to mid-October, a fully-stocked casino at the neighboring Piscis Hotel and a series of nearby 5-Star bars and restaurants offering the best of Argentinean food and nightlife. The ‘discos’ located in the Escorpio and Piscis Hotels are appropriately dated and cheesy, but tremendously fun for the un-jaded (UFO Point & JB Zone should be of particular interest).
Trust me; I’m doing you a favor by pointing you towards summer destination hot spots that are relatively inexpensive, fun and miles away from my pale bulbous form. Do some research and remember that the state of the economy dictates the pricing you’re able to access. If you spend the time looking for an excellent deal, you’re bound to find one.
Well it’s that time of year again. SportsCenter is airing
every bit of NCAA basketball coverage it can find. Doug Gottlieb is going out
on a limb and choosing all the top seeds to advance to the Final Four. Bob
Knight is furious about Auburn not being included. Suit and ties at every
office building are huddled over their monitors debating the merits of Siena
beating Louisville and then loudly boasting that they’re choosing Siena.
It’s all nonsense. There is really only one foolproof way to
choose a national champion. School
nicknames. That’s right. It’s the most scientific, evidence-based method of
selecting upsets, slam dunks, and nail biters.
The Nickname Brawl will focus on factors including a
reality-based showdown between school nicknames, the smell test, the eye test,
the soft touch test, historical context, and an extra variable that will be
determined on a game-by-game matchup.
So here we go!
Midwest Bracket
1. Louisville
Cardinals
16. Play-in Game:
Alabama St. Hornets/Morehead St. Eagles
We’ll start with the play-in game, which has always been a
crowd pleaser. Each team playing its guts out to receive the honor of losing by
600 to the overall number 1 seed the following round. But luckily this is not
the NCAA tournament and the Hornets and Eagles have just as good a shot of
winning the whole thing as the number 1 seed.
At first glance, you have to go with the Eagles. I think
birds of prey eat bugs. Is a hornet even a bug, though? Not sure on that one,
but then you have to remember that hornets are mean! They can sting and sting
and sting. Not like a honey bee. If this were a matchup of the Eagles and the
Honey Bees, done deal for the Eagles. But these are hornets, just for fun we'll say that they are these hornets:
In a slight upset the Hornets sting the Eagles just
one too many times and move on to face Louisville.
Louisville has no chance. Let’s be honest here. They just
got finished watching the Hornets beat the Eagles. Now math may not be my
strong point, but I know this: Eagles>Cardinals. I even think the Hornets
take it easy on the Cardinals and still dominate. Thinking about a hornet
stinging a cardinal kind of seems messed up. Cardinals can’t even peck things.
They rely on old men in Maine penitentiaries to keep them in their inside coat
pockets and feed them scraps. Fact.
8. Ohio St. Buckeyes
9. Siena Saints
Little bit of research needed on this one. What exactly is a
Buckeye? OK done. I was under the impression that it was a plant. Or a leaf. I
was close. It’s a tree. And it stinks! Poisonous to
cattle… and humans! Oh no. The last time I checked saints are human. Or more
than human? Better than humans. Got it. So I figure that a saint will have
enough common sense to not eat this tree. Which was really the only shot the
Buckeyes had.
Simply by not eating a tree, the Saints have moved on.
Riveting.
5. Utah Utes
12. Arizona Wildcats
Back to the books. What constitutes a Ute? And finally, this
is years in the making, I will know just what a wildcat is.
Well as it turns out, the University of Utah’s nickname is
named after the Ute Tribe of Native Americans. I feel like I should have known
that. Further, the men’s basketball team is referred to as the Runnin’ Utes and
the women’s team was the Lady Utes, but now prefers just the Utes. Not kidding,
pretty fascinating stuff.
As for a wildcat? Apparently there is an Old World wildcat.
Wildcats are also members belonging to the genus Lynx. Genus? Stay out of this, Science. We’ll stick to whatever
lives in the U.S., which could be a Canadian Lynx or a Bobcat. OK, what? The
University of Arizona Canadian Lynx? I kind of like it… But that’s enough. A
wildcat is this.
AH! Taxidermy for cash, huh? OK well whatever it is, it
ain’t beating a Ute. As the saying goes, there’s more than one way to skin a
cat. Unless you’re a Ute, in which case there are like a million ways!
Utes big.
4. Wake Forest Demon
Deacons
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
Classic matchup. Demon Deacons versus Vikings. Or Vikes.
Cool nick-nickname. As a little digging uncovered, though, the Demon Deacons is
as lame a nickname as you’ll find. Apparently, they used to be the Wake Forest
Fighting Baptists (awesome), but switched to the Demon Deacons after a
particularly spirited game against Duke. They were noted for their spirited
fight and devilish play. Lame. I really expected the Deacons to go far. It’s a
great name. Unfortunately for Wake Forest, the Internet exists.
Vikes, without much effort, and without even needing any
“devilish” tactics, move on.
6. West Virginia
Mountaineers
11. Dayton Flyers
Mountaineers and Flyers. OK, here’s a mountaineer.
Not really. Here you go (and we’re trying to stay current).
Mountaineers own mountains. Mountain?
No shot against a mountaineer. However, the Mountaineers are not taking on a
mountain in the first round. They are facing off against the Flyers. The Flyers
of the University of Dayton were named in honor of the Wright Brothers, who
invented the airplane in Dayton. So a Mountaineer versus the Wright Brothers. 2
on 1. Kind of not fair. But this is a Mountaineer we’re talking about. (Please
use Bill Raftery voice). Dominate! A little kiss off the glass! The big fella!
Smash those goggles! Grab that pilot scarf…Domination!
Mountaineers in a tough one.
3. Kansas Jayhawks
14. North Dakota St.
Bison
We talked earlier about the slam dunk matchups, and here’s
your first one. Really? A bison against a jayhawk? Rock Chalk, Jayhawk? Come on
now. It’s a bison. Maybe the jayhawk could antagonize him, but
I’m guessing no. Maybe it would have a shot if it were fighting this bison.
Awww. But still no. And if it has any shot of defeating the North Dakota St.
Bison, it will need this. Ahhh, so
that’s where the mouth is! Victory!
No. Bison big.
7. Boston College
Eagles
10. USC Trojans
Well this is our second eagle versus something matchup and
once again it looks like the eagle is going to lose. Trojans have swords. And
helmets like this.
Do you know what that brush thing is for? Warding off swooping birds! Hey
eagle, thinking of using this move?
Think again! Your talons will just get a nice cleaning. Once the eagle goes
tumbling to the ground it will most likely get the
Sarah-Palin-in-the-foreground-giving-an-interview-treatment. Not good.
Trojans moving forward.
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
15. Robert Morris
Colonials
Finally! A historical matchup of epic proportion! A Spartan
(from Sparta),
part of one of the most famous armies in history… up against a colonial (from a
colony).
Uh oh. And beyond that, Robert Morris University was founded
in 1921 as the Pittsburgh School of Accountancy. Yikes. Not tough.
Although, I don’t see these two men fighting. I think they
would work it out in advance.
Spartan: If we fight…
Colonial: (Sweating and nodding furiously)
Spartan: I will kill you.
Colonial: (Gross half burp under breath. Holding back vomit)
Spartan: So how about you just lie down and act dead?
Colonial: (Stops holding breath) Deal! Now give me a piece
of paper to sign, we like that kind of thing.
Spartans moving on.
West Bracket
1. Connecticut
Huskies
16. UT Chattanooga
Mocs
Very interesting matchup here. Not the Huskies. We all know
what a husky is. It’s a dog. A crazy dog. They like to pull sleds. And shed.
Now as for the Mocs, I’m baffled. Apparently, so is UT
Chattanooga. Originally they were the Moccasins, represented by the water
moccasin.
In case you can’t tell, that’s a snake. In the water! Oh. Dear.
God. That is my number one fear. Is anywhere safe?! Foolishly, UT Chattanooga
switched to being represented by a shoe. Come on now. Not cool.
Then, in the 1970s they switched to having a mascot known as
Chief Moccanooga. Wow. In a move that could only mean that someone there was
finally using common sense (aka not the guy who got rid of the water moccasins)
they rid themselves of the Chief and went to the currently used Mocs, which is
represented by a mockingbird driving a train. Zany!
UT Chattanooga, for your flip-flopping, fickle, absurd
approach to a very serious matter you have lost to a fluffy dog, which,
coincidentally, is terrified of snakes (side note: not true).
Huskies advance.
8. BYU Cougars
9. Texas A&M
Aggies
A cougar versus someone who attends an agricultural college.
This presents a dilemma. Cougars are very savvy. And have large teeth used for
eating humans. Farmers (someone who attends an agricultural college) own guns.
And are angry. Mainly at cougars.
Aggies win a close one.
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
12. Northern Iowa
Panthers
A boilermaker is awesome. This is not up for debate. Anyone
who uses a blow torch to repair and make hot water boilers is awesome. They
wear welding masks. Enough said. A panther is just a fancy name for a cougar.
Or puma. Or mountain lion. Come on, scientists! Knock it off with this multiple
name thing.
Regardless, a boilermaker would put on his welding mask,
light his blow torch and absolutely terrify
a panther.
Boilermakers, impressively, move on to the next round.
4. Washington Huskies
13. Mississippi St.
Bulldogs
Ah, we knew this matchup would have to happen someday. But
we all hoped it wouldn’t. Two dog breeds. Are they going to fight? Of course
not. Dogs should not fight one another. We only have one choice. A race. OK
kind of not fair. How about one of those obstacle course things like on ESPN?
Also a blowout. Eating contest? Seems grotesque. Well, it’s a push. Both teams
lose. Purdue gets a bye in the next round. Because honestly, neither a husky, nor
a bulldog, stood a chance against a boilermaker.
6. Marquette Golden
Eagles
11. Utah St. Aggies
Another eagle. Come on, universities! Let’s try to be more
creative. Although, I guess Marquette has the Golden Eagles, which at least is
specific. I know of two types of eagles: bald and I guess golden. Question,
though. Have you seen a bald eagle? Majestic! A little research revealed that
Marquette had a UT Chattanooga-esque identity crisis and only settled on the
Golden Eagles in 1994. Sad. A little more research uncovered that one of the
previous nicknames was the Golden Avalanche. Really cool. An avalanche of gold.
Deadly! And expensive.
In a thrilling upset (that being the fact that I have 2
Aggies moving on to the next round), the Aggies defeat the Golden Eagles of
Marquette.
3. Missouri Tigers
14. Cornell Big Red
Now when I was pondering doing this, I had to give a good
amount of thought about what to do with school nicknames that were colors. I
realize that a lot of these names are based mainly on tradition (or Ivy
snobbery): Harvard Crimson, Dartmouth Big Green, Cornell Big Red, etc. But
luckily I kept thinking and realized that these names are based on nothing but
good old-fashioned laziness.
Add a fierce name in there! Harvard Crimson Murderers.
Dartmouth Big Green Rabid Goats. Cornell Big Red Wave of Bloodied Cougars. You
get the idea. And so, henceforth, any school with a color nickname
automatically loses.
Plus, the Big Red were facing the Tigers. Blowout.
Tigers win.
7. California Golden
Bears
10. Maryland
Terrapins
Let’s see. A terrapin is a turtle. OK I won’t write them off
immediately. Let’s see just what a golden bear is. It’s a lie that’s what it
is. Golden bear? Doesn’t exist. No such bear as a golden bear. Unlike the
golden eagle. Apparently, in 1872 a banner was made with what was supposed to
be a golden grizzly bear (symbol of the state of California), and Cal
eventually became the Golden Bears.
So are we pitting a grizzly against a terrapin? You have to
go with the grizzly. A turtle can only hide in its shell for so long, before
the bear eventually eats the whole thing. However, the terrapins have one of
the best nick-nicknames out there: Terps. Pretty sweet.
Nick-nicknames aside, the terp gets devoured by the grizzly.
2. Memphis Tigers
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
This could be one of the best matchups of the first round.
On one hand we have a tiger. As it turns out, tigers are mean and are willing
to eat people. They also do not fear the color red. On the other hand, matadors
are crazy! They stand directly in front of bulls with nothing more than a red
sheet (and an incredibly sharp sword). Also, their pants are tight. Very tight.
What would happen in this case? Would the tiger charge the
matador like a bull? Would it just maul the matador as terrified spectators
look on? This matchup would be held in a huge stadium in Spain. The tiger would
be flown in from Russia. Basketball would not be discussed. In an unbelievable
display of athleticism, the matador would defeat the tiger. Think Valpo beating
Mississippi.
Matadors stun tigers.
East Bracket
1. Pittsburgh
Panthers
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
Admission time. I love pirates. The only thing I love more
than pirates? Cool synonyms for pirates. The Bucs. Classic. Even if you find
yourself rooting for another team, you always secretly wish you could be
rooting for the Bucs. Come on Bucs! Let’s go Bucs! You cannot beat that.
As for Panthers? What did I say earlier? Stick with a name,
guys. Plus, geographical location is big here, too. When I think of East
Tennessee I think of pirates. It’s really that simple.
Digger Phelps picked Pitt to win it all. Sorry, Digger, you
can highlight the line below.
Bucs win huge.
8. Oklahoma St.
Cowboys
9. Tennessee
Volunteers
In this matchup I’m exercising my right to be ignorant. Now
I’m sure Tennessee has some noble and self-important reason for being the
Volunteers, but I do not care. They are volunteering to lose here. Cowboys are
tough. It’s that simple. They are also jerks. They spit constantly. Even when
they have no saliva in their mouths they can spit. Here is their diet: beans
out of dirty cans, whiskey. Done.
Cowboys in a romp.
5. Florida St. Seminoles
12. Wisconsin Badgers
I’m really liking this East bracket. Earlier we had a lot of
animals. This bracket we’ve got some real tough SOBs. In this matchup we have
the Seminoles and the Badgers. Now normally I would have to go against any
school nickname that involves a Native American tribe because it’s really not
as if the school (and especially not the basketball team) are honoring the
tribe in any way. But let’s leave that alone (plus I already picked the Utes
earlier).
If I remember anything from grade school (and I do) it’s
that badgers are nasty animals. They might start out their lives looking pretty
cute.
But at the age of 2 they become this.
Fact. Unfortunately when they are matched up with the Seminoles, no matter what
age they are, they quickly become this.
Seminoles moving on.
4. Xavier Musketeers
13. Portland St.
Vikings
I did say earlier that I loved the Vikes. But I can’t put
this group of Vikes past the Musketeers. The Three Musketeers were great. It’s
an underrated candy bar. Kind of the ginger ale of candy bars. It’ll never be
your first choice but once you go with it you’re quite happy.
Plus, I feel like a Viking would just run at a musketeer
like a jerk. No strategy involved. The musketeer would simply move to one side,
grab a chandelier, flip seven times, throw his sword in the air, spin around
6.5 times, catch his sword, and then slice the Viking up good.
Might be surprising to some, but the Musketeers move on with
ease.
6. UCLA Bruins
11. Virginia
Commonwealth Rams
A bruin is a bear. Glad we got that out of the way. Rams hit
things with their heads. Or, more specifically, with their horns. So where is
this matchup taking place? If we’re on a mountain I gotta go with the ram. If
they’re fighting on top of a ball, I gotta go with the bear. Although...
Actually, no. That does not look promising.
The Bruins take it.
3. Villanova Wildcats
14. American Univ.
Eagles
This matchup makes me mad. These are two of the most generic
nicknames out there. We’ve already established what a wildcat is. Not all that
impressive. But we’re going to break out some biology here. Cats eat birds.
Even Canadian Lynx eat birds. I think. Now an eagle is a serious bird, with
serious talons. But my guess is the wildcat will take down the eagle in this
scenario.
Wildcats, unimpressively, move on to the next round.
7. Texas Longhorns
10. Minnesota Golden
Gophers
A lot of gold as an adjective for teams. Why do the gophers
have to be gold? I know I liked it earlier with the Golden Avalanche, but now
I’m tired of it. Longhorns seem to be slow and very cow-like. But they have one
thing going for them. This.
Wow. Extremely impressive. Although not that aggressive, I think those horns
are more than enough to scare off some gopher. Unless, maybe, if it's this gopher. I'm
allllright, don't nobody worry ‘bout me.
So he might have a chance. But he’s a normal gopher, not a
golden gopher. Caddyshack gopher would win.
Golden Gophers get gored (alliteration).
2. Duke Blue Devils
15. Binghamton
Bearcats
I’m really torn on this one. First off, what would beat a
devil? I mean, a devil is pretty untouchable right? But the Duke Blue Devils
are only blue because that’s a school color. Not really scary. I’m just not
feeling it.
So here’s how we decide. As I’m lying in bed, about to fall
asleep, what thought would cause me to have nightmares? A devil? Eh. Or a bearcat? Ah!
What on Earth is that thing? It’s not a bear. Or a cat. I can definitely see it
latching on to my neck, though. Do you see those eyes? Bloodthirsty!
Bearcats destroy the Blue Devils.
South Bracket
1. North Carolina Tar
Heels
16. Radford
Highlanders
A tar heel is nothing. It means nothing. Well, I guess it
means something to people from North Carolina. It is an original nickname,
which I appreciate, but really, it’s never going to beat anything. Now a
highlander, an inhabitant of the Scottish Highlands, is a little cool? Not
really, though. I’m disappointed in the first matchup of the South bracket. I’m
not looking ahead (lie), but I don’t see good things for the Highlanders, who
have taken this one.
Highlanders in a snoozer.
8. LSU Tigers
9. Butler Bulldogs
I have a hard time thinking about a tiger fighting any
domesticated animal, but Bulldogs are pretty tough. As the Internet has told
me, they were originally bred to bait bulls, as well as bears. And that they
were even able to suffocate them. Yikes.
But still, it’s not looking good for the bulldog. Run,
bulldog, run!
Tigers win. We’ll leave it at that.
5. Illinois Fighting
Illini
12. Western Kentucky
Hilltoppers
Back to the Native American tribe debate. Once again, it
caused issues at the University of Illinois, but eventually they retained the
nickname Fighting Illini, claiming it references Illinoisans who fought in
World War I. Sounds fishy to me. Now normally I would just blindly pick against
the Illini, but they’re facing the Hilltoppers.
The Hilltoppers’ mascot? A giant red blob.
They are called the Hilltoppers because the campus is located on a hill. I am
not making this up. Awful, awful stuff.
World War I Fighting Illini move on. Not happy with this
one.
4. Gonzaga Bulldogs
13. Akron Zips
I’m going to admit to being biased on this one. Love the
Zips. On top of my bias, I am sick of bulldogs. We get it, people like
bulldogs. They lose. But let’s look more at the Zips. Their mascot is a
kangaroo. A female kangaroo. Very cool. Originality is topnotch here, and that
counts for something. Plus, although Akron’s nickname had nothing to do with a
kangaroo (actually it was based on a sneaker), I still like to think about
kangaroos fighting. And this story.
It’s just interesting, OK!
Zips big.
6. Arizona St. Sun
Devils
11. Temple Owls
I’m not looking up what a Sun Devil is. I’ve seen the logo.
Pitchfork, etc. Nothing new. Not a fan of the devil nickname. As for owls? Owls
are serious.
This woman? Is fearing for her life. Plus, when
owls feel strongly about something they will mess
you up.
Owls take it.
3. Syracuse Orange
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
This might be our most one-sided matchup of the first round.
It rivals Jayhawks/Bison. I’ve already discussed my hatred of color nicknames.
Add to that the incredible nickname of the Lumberjacks and we’ve got ourselves
a beatdown. I fully expect the Lumberjacks to thrive.
Lumberjacks in a walk.
7. Clemson Tigers
10. Michigan
Wolverines
This is a big time matchup. Tigers have fared well thus far.
There are a lot of tigers out there, in many different states. I was unaware of
this prior to this tournament. Let’s move on to the Wolverines. Here is one.
Kidding. But apparently they are pretty fierce animals. Pound for pound, just tough.
Do not wake him up.
I like the Wolverines here, based mainly on looks. It’s
legit.
Wolverines take down the Tigers.
2. Oklahoma Sooners
15. Morgan St. Bears
Last matchup of the first round and it’s a doozy. So far
bears have been making out really well in this tourney. And they’ve got this
one as well. When I think of a Sooner I just think of someone who showed up
early and claimed land. A little sneaky if you ask me. They might have guns,
but they have to sleep sometime… at which time, bam! Bear claw in the face.
Bears have it. On to round 2.
Round 2
Midwest Bracket
9. Siena Saints
16. Alabama St.
Hornets
I’m picturing a swarm of angry hornets chasing Mother
Theresa. Really wrong I know. I can’t help it. OK she’s not even a saint. Just
looked it up. I’m stunned about that one. Also, they have this guy.
Longest name in NCAA tournament history. His full name is actually Grlenntys
Chief Kickingstallionsims Jr. I’m a fan.
Book it. Hornets moving on.
5. Utah Utes
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
Really like the Vikes in this one. As solid as the Utes are,
I just can’t see them taking down the Vikes. Any animal foe and I would take
the Utes, but this seems like a physical battle and for that I gotta go with
the guys wearing those horned helmets.
Vikings headed to the Sweet Sixteen.
6. West Virginia
Mountaineers
14. North Dakota St.
Bison
A tricky one here, as I’m having a hard time taking animals
over humans. Humans are just so smart. And good at beating animals in things.
However, have you ever seen an angry bison charge? No? It’s a glorious thing.
Fine, I’ve never seen it, but I know I’d be terrified. Going with the Bison
here. Just too good at charging.
Bison moving ahead.
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
10. USC Trojans
Spartans win. It happened already. Done.
West Bracket
1. Connecticut Huskies
9. Texas A&M
Aggies
After winning by default in round one over the infuriating
UT Chattanooga Mocs, the Huskies are looking to find a way to pull one out
against the Aggies. I’m still not sold on any Aggie (that’s right, not one),
but I know huskies enjoy having owners. And why would an Aggie not want a husky
to do stuff, you know, agricultural stuff? I’m thinking even the angriest husky
could be tamed, and so I’ve got the Aggies winning.
Bye
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
The Boilermakers can sit back and take it easy as they have
a bye this round. However, they still feel the need to do work. They need to
weld. It’s like breathing for them. A very interesting strategy. Hopefully it
doesn’t backfire in the Sweet Sixteen.
3. Missouri Tigers
11. Utah St. Aggies
What if both sets of Aggies were to meet in the Elite Eight?
Would they just sit down and talk about plant and crops? Is that an offensive
question to an Aggie? Luckily, we’ll never have to find out because there ain’t
no way an Aggie is handling a tiger. It’s not pretty. Maybe if the Aggie had
matador-like agility it’d be a different story. No luck.
Tigers move on.
7. California Golden
Bears
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
I just can’t go against the Matadors. If we’re going to give
them the nod over the Tigers of Memphis, you’re telling me they can’t polish
off a grizzly? Let’s put it this way. Grizzlies are slower than tigers.
Grizzlies don’t have stripes. Grizzlies love tight pants. Recipe for disaster
for the Cal Golden Bears.
Matadors take down the Grizz.
East Bracket
8. Oklahoma St.
Cowboys
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
Really tough one here. Both have leathery skin. Both wear
great looking hats. Cowboys ride horses. Pretty good. Pirates have pirate
ships. Also pretty good. Cowboys move cattle. Not that cool. Pirates find
hidden treasure. Awesome! Cowboys have rifles. Eh. Pirates use cannons.
Tremendous. You can see where this is going. A pirate and a cowboy square off?
You know that pirate is going to do something really slimy and find a way to
beat the cowboy.
Bucs win!
4. Xavier Musketeers
5. Florida St.
Seminoles
Well we know musketeers wear puffy clothes. This is not in
their favor. Previously, I lauded the candy bar. Not gonna cut it this round
boys. You gotta bring more than nougat. The Seminoles don’t even like candy.
Seminoles big.
6. UCLA Bruins
3. Villanova Wildcats
Did a wildcat really get through? My bad on that one. The
Bruins romp in this one. Not only are bears pretty strong but they also love to
eat wildcats. The list of things bears love to eat goes like this (top 4): 1.
Honey 2. Salmon 3. Wildcats 4. That guy from Grizzly Man. Done. That’s the
list,
Bruins over ‘Cats.
7. Texas Longhorns
15. Binghamton
Bearcats
Now I know you saw the creature that currently haunts my
dreams previously. But I just can’t get over those horns. One look at those
babies and that bearcat isn’t coming down from his tree. So unless he can wait
around until the longhorn tries to fall asleep and has horrendous nightmares
about the very sight of the bearcat, I think this one’s over.
Longhorns drop ‘Cats.
South Bracket
8. LSU Tigers
16. Radford
Highlanders
Seeing as how the Highlanders barely scraped by the Tar
Heels, is it any surprise they get mauled by the Bayou Bengals? The matchup could
even take place in the Scottish Highlands and it’s still a blowout.
Tigers huge.
5. Illinois Fighting
Illini
13. Akron Zips
I expressed my displeasure with having to put the Illini
through, but considering they were going up against the Big Red Blobs, I had no
choice. But guess what, Illini? You’re facing the Zips now. Biggest Cinderella
story of the tournament. Love those Zips. The Zips are running circles around
the Fighting Illinoisans from World War I. It’s a complete joke!
Zips embarrass the Illini.
11. Temple Owls
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
Listen, the Lumberjacks are good. I mean, if we were to
re-seed this entire thing they might be the overall number 1 seed. Think UCLA’s
88-game winning streak teams. UNLV in 1990. Indiana in 1976. The Owls, for all
their spirited anti-drinking endeavors, are no match for a lumberjack. Not
complicated.
Lumberjacks move on with ease.
10. Michigan
Wolverines
15. Morgan St. Bears
Another all animal matchup and it looks like a humdinger.
The Wolverines stunned the animal world in the first round when they took down
the Tigers of Clemson, and might be a bit worn out for this one. The showdown
begins and… oh my God! The wolverine goes absolutely berserk. I’m
flabbergasted. The bear stood no chance. Here are the numbers: the wolverine
weighs 45 lbs. The bear weighs 700 tons. Time of fight: 32 seconds.
Wolverines have once again bucked the favorite and move on
to the Sweet Sixteen.
Sweet Sixteen
Midwest Bracket
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
16. Alabama St.
Hornets
The Hornets have had an unbelievable run. They have momentum
on their side. They have the Chief. But the Vikes, who’ve taken down the Demon
Deacons and the Aggies from Utah, are not about to let the Hornets end their
run. They smash the Hornets. And eat them. Then they eat a bunch of Snickers.
Vikes onto the Elite Eight.
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
14. North Dakota St.
Bison
I was hoping that the Bison wouldn’t get matched up with a
team like the Spartans. There’s just nothing they can do. This won’t even be
close. Not only are the Spartans incredible at fighting, but they are also
smart. They know Greek. Not sure if you know this or not, but Greek is not an
easy language to learn. There’s a completely different alphabet. I don’t think
the Bison will be able to handle it. They had a good run.
Spartans move on.
West Bracket
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
9. Texas A&M
Aggies
The Boilermakers are somewhat well rested. They still worked
an 18-hour day, but compared to their normal 22-hour day, their bye game was a
much needed vacation. The Aggies actually show up, but the outcome is never in
doubt. Boilermakers burn up the Aggies, weld certain areas to um other certain
areas and well, it’s not pretty.
Boilermakers looking unbeatable.
3. Missouri Tigers
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
So far the Mats (that’s what I’m calling them from now on)
have taken down a tiger and a bear. And now they get another tiger? Hey
selection committee? Don’t tell me you didn’t see this one coming a mile away.
Unacceptable!
The Mats win in formulaic fashion.
East Bracket
5. Florida St.
Seminoles
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
The Bucs have really looked good so far. The Seminoles
haven’t really faced anything the likes of a pirate. Now don’t get me wrong the
Seminoles have been impressive in getting this far, but come on. I don’t recall
Mikey from the Goonies going off searching for hidden Native American treasure.
He knew what he was doing.
Noles get dumped by the Bucs.
6. UCLA Bruins
7. Texas Longhorns
For some reason the Bruins have been our best bear entry.
They just get it. And the Sweet Sixteen is no exception. John Wooden would be
proud. Wait, Johnny is still alive? Correction. John Wooden is proud. Sacrilege, I know.
Regardless, the Bruins move on.
South Bracket
8. LSU Tigers
13. Akron Zips
My love for the Zips has not gone unmentioned. But against a
tiger it just isn’t feasible. A fast kangaroo? And a tiger. But, seeing as how
this is the tournament, upsets abound! Nope, still can’t do it. Yes I can!
Zips, in a show of pure speed and crazy kangaroo kicking and boxing, defeat the
Bayou Bengals.
Zips find a way.
10. Michigan
Wolverines
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
In their first two rounds, the Wolverines took down two very
large animals by just being crazy. But unfortunately they’ve run up against the
vaunted Lumberjacks, who simply decimate their habitat and then just wait and
wait until eventually the Wolverines are extinct. The Lumberjacks—tough but
fair.
‘Jacks onto the Elite Eight.
Elite Eight
Midwest Bracket
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
So far the Spartans have looked untouchable. The Vikes have
also held their own, but let’s not forget the Spartans are trained killing
machines. The Vikes give it a great go, but in the end their helmets only cover
their heads, while the Spartans’ helmets cover their noses. Advantage Spartans
(from Sparta).
Our first Final Four team, the Spartans.
West Bracket
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
The Mats have been a real crowd pleaser throughout the
tourney, but they have only faced animals. The Boilermakers have put in a
workmanlike effort (obviously) thus far. And, in a bit of a surprise, it’s not
close. The tights. The red blanket. Even the hat. No match for the
Boilermakers. They are unimpressed and anxious to return to work.
Boilermakers will face the Spartans in the Final Four.
East Bracket
6. UCLA Bruins
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
In what would have been the equivalent of all four number
one seeds making the Final Four, an all-human Final Four came quite close to
happening. In fact the Bucs took an early lead, however, in a moment reminiscent of the 2004 fox series, the bruins reminded us exactly who was man and who was beast:
Bucs lose.
South Bracket
13. Akron Zips
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
The Lumberjacks have been unstoppable. And no upset this
time. The kangaroos try everything in their repertoire. The boxing. The
kicking. The offering of itself for greenhouse-gas-reducing meat. Nada. One
swing of the ax and it’s all over. The Zips gave it a great run, but in the end
they are done.
Lumberjacks still dancing.
Final Four
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
I wrestled with this one for a long time. OK not that long.
It basically came down to the smell test. Spartans reek. I mean they really
smell awful. Not a lot of showering back then. The Boilermakers work 27-hour
days, but when they do get home they actually take a bath. Further, the welding
mask is awesome, but the Spartan helmet and shield are just too tough for the
Boilers. Tough one, guys.
Spartans in the Final.
6. UCLA Bruins
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
I also gave a lot of thought to this matchup and while I
really liked the Bruins throughout, but then I put myself in the bear’s shoes.
And this is what I saw coming at me.
Oh no! Run bear, run! That guy is nuts. He has never been
afraid of anything in his life. Nothing. I thought it might be possible, but no
way.
Lumberjacks romp.
Final
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
Well here we are. If you told me at the beginning we’d have
two non-animal nicknames in the final matchup I never would have believed you.
That being said, I am pleased with where we ended up. This would be a showdown
for the ages. The Spartans are trained to kill. Lumberjacks are trained to be
enormous, capable-of-pushing-over-redwoods, men. Sword and shield vs. ax and
chainsaw.
Now you might think a trained soldier would destroy a
blue-collar lumberjack. But don’t forget lumberjack as a mythological figure. I
can’t get past those lumberjack contests on television. These guys are nuts.
And they know the forest. I can’t run from my feelings.
Lumberjacks take it.
