The fall season is finally upon us, and you know what that means – Halloween is just around the corner! If you’re anything like me you not only have an extensive collection of antique thimbles and candle snuffers, but you also have a surplus of deep rooted emotional issues that cause you to still revel in the squeamish joys that come with Halloween. Scary movies, haunted houses, trick-or-treating, waking up on November 1st in a gutter; Halloween always floods my mind with the fondest of memories. But, admittedly, there are some aspects of the holiday that aren’t so peachy and I’m not just talking about the razor-flavored candy that I got last year. I’m referring to the people who ruin Halloween by dressing up in the most obnoxious, obvious and played out costumes every year. These individuals are the same innovation-less meatheads who dressed up as Borat in 2006, Monica Lewinsky’s dress in 1998 and a sexy-something every single year since they got a fake ID (I’ll get to you people later). Since I want the fine visitors of eCollegeFinder.org to have the best Halloween they’ve ever had, I’ve decided to put together a list of costumes that will be worn by people named “Chet” or “Brad”, multiple people at the same party and are certainly the ones you’ll want to avoid this year.
1. Michael Jackson
The popularity of King of Pop costumes have seen an ebb and flow over the years that has coincided with any of his facial rearrangements, baby danglings or child handlings. But this year should be the year-to-end-all-years for people to dress as ‘the gloved one’. And to be perfectly honest with you, I actually have little problem with inventive MJ costumes; decorum prohibiting me from listing a few of my favorites here. It’s just that I can guarantee you a majority of Halloween party goers and trick-or-treaters will be garbed in some variation of Jackson’s many looks. He’s certainly a personality that can be fun to dress up as, but stray from the herd this year and think outside the glove.
2. Wolverine (aka ‘Logan’, aka ‘Weapon X’, aka ‘I have no friends’)
There are several problems with dressing up as Wolverine. First and foremost, you can only dress as Hugh Jackman’s version of Wolverine from the X-Men films since donning the yellow spandex outfit from the comics will earn you looks of repulse at the punch bowl. Second, Hugh Jackman goes shirtless for about 98% of the X-Men movies and most of the people who’d actually want to dress as Wolverine look less like Hugh Jackman and more like Dom DeLuise. Third, you will not – I repeat – will not be able to ever get your hair like that no matter how much Paul Mitchell molding paste you use. And finally, how do you plan on getting all that adamantium to cover your bones? It’s too much of a hassle. I recommend for you to go with the infinitely cooler, ‘Shoeverine’.
3. Jon and/or Kate Gosselin
I’ll be the first to admit that it has to incredibly tempting for you women out there to take a stroll down Hilarious Street by dressing up as Kate Gosselin, of ‘Jon & Kate Plus Legal Separation’ fame. Her hair alone is an incredible source of comedic gold. And don’t even get me started on Jon Gosselin, of ‘Jon & Kate Plus Extramarital Affairs’ fame. Any guy who chain smokes, wears a Bluetooth earpiece to bed and refuses to dress in anything but skull & cross bone themed attire is ripe for Halloween mockery. But for reasons I’m sure you’re all too familiar with, this isn’t the year to show up as the couple with millions of problems and even more kids. You may want to consider dressing as Jon Gosselin’s best pal, Michael Lohan. All you’ll need is a daughter whose acting career is just about as dried up as her kidneys.
4. Barack Obama
Presidents, ex-Presidents and Presidential scandals have always been a Halloween staple. From the infamous Nixon and Reagan masks (best used in the bromance classic, Point Break) to the aforementioned sullied dress of the Clinton-era, Halloween party-goers have and always will take advantage of the White House’s most famous tenant. That said, considering the historic nature surrounding our most recent presidential election, you’ll see an increase this year as people Barack-out. More importantly, for the first time in my life we have a president who is more boring and plain than my cousin Jacob. And he’s Amish. There really isn’t anything clever or humorous you can do to spice up an Obama costume since he hasn’t done anything ridiculous yet. But don’t worry, give him time. I have faith that he’s capable of harassing an intern or two by the end of this term.
5. A Sexy - ‘Blank’
Ok. Just stop. Stop it. You look ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing sexy about a nurse or a police officer considering the fact that I’ve been arrested by one and probed by the other. And to be entirely truthful, the police officer did both. Year after year girls head out in droves as ‘sexy cats’ or ‘sexy accountants’, beckoning men to “audit” them. I don’t even know what that means. And while I definitely don’t mind the ‘sexy’ aspect of such a costume, the second half of the equation often falls prey to the most awful and basic of suggestive humor; degrading its wearer in far more harmful ways than the 8 square inches of material that the costume is made from. Plus, would your grandmother think that outfit is appropriate to go out in? I know that mine wouldn’t. But that’s mainly due to the fact that she considers an exposed female wrist to be, ‘scandalous’.
We’ve given you the worst. Now here’s the best. Well, not the best. When it comes to my writing nothing is ever the best. You will never see the best from me. Never.
Anyway, here’s a list of Halloween costumes that have either made me laugh or that I’ve found to be somewhat inventive. In other words, these are costumes (or costume categories) that no one will understand or appreciate besides me. So, per usual, it’s all about me. ME. NOT YOU, ME.
▪ Cheating Husband / Wife
Infidelity, what a gas! This is an incredibly simple costume that can be altered to hilarious degrees. Lipstick on the collar, tussled hair, wedding ring in the shirt pocket, various hickies peppering the neck – dress this up anyway you see fit. I based my cheating husband costume off pictures of my father from the 80s. And the 90s.
▪ The FedEx Pope
From the annals of Late Night with Conan O’Brien (back when it was actually funny) comes The FedEx Pope. This is another really simply costume to put together. All you need is a free FedEx shipping box in place of the Pope’s mitre, a dirty old robe (preferably yellow and stained, just like my teeth), mismatching dirty slippers and a glass of red wine.
▪ Ernest
HAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD;SFVA./,V/…..HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!..............Ernest.
▪ Teen Wolf
This costume is far more involved, but the effort will not go undeserved. I’ve seen variations of this costume (with the denim jacket, etc.), but the only way to dress this thing is full-on Beaver Basketball Uniform. There are sites that offer ‘hairy leggings & sleeves’, which will work in this costume.
▪ 80’s Guilty Pleasure Movies
Even though Teen Wolf fits into this category, I wanted to throw together a few movie suggestions whose characters are not only recognizable, but would also make cheap costumes.
Footloose
Easy – tight grey sweatshirt, even tighter light blue jeans, dirty white canvas sneakers and the spirit of dance.
Lucas Barton from The Wizard
This is a little more complex. You’ll need a cheesy black trench coat, jeans, sneakers and the almighty Nintendo Power Glove. “I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”
Point Break
Not too tough – suits and ex-President masks. Oh yeah, you also need to be ok with slapping an intense ‘high-five’ in mid-air after jumping out of a plane.
▪ Hollow Man
Just stay home.
Can you tell that the entire eCollegeFinder staff is obsessed with Halloween? We’ve been doing nothing but watching scary movies, eating candy corn and funneling apple cider for the past three weeks. Needless to say, we’ve all lost hours of sleep and developed vitamin deficiencies, but that hasn’t stopped us from preparing for our killer Halloween party.
Here are a few tips and pointers that should make your gathering a shockingly good time. Just remember to have fun, live and die by all of our commands and let your inhibitions go. I mean, come on, Halloween’s on a Saturday.
▪ Food & Drink:
Take some advice from a chronic overeater; nothing kicks off a holiday bash in a bigger way than a cornucopia of seasonal snacks. Since Fall is upon us, pumpkin-treats are a must and they should be the focal point for everything besides the main course (which, as we all know, has to be pizza).
Pumpkin bread, cookies and pie are obvious selections for any Autumnal gathering, but those who are willing to get a little experimental should throw in a cocktail or two to get everybody in the holiday spirit.
If you’re a bartender at heart and can track down a bottle of maple liqueur, the Pumpkintini is a festive aperitif that should please the female populous (sorry to be sexist… but come on). For the male partygoers (i.e. people who really want a Pumpkintini, but don’t want to look like a ladyboy), I recommend Dogfish Head’s delicious Pumpkin Ale, which is one of the few pumpkin brews that maintains a nice balance between spicy October treat and crisp pale ale.
It’s also always a good idea to respect your vegetarian, vegan and allergy-prone friends, so select your offerings based on those in attendance and don’t put your reputation at risk by serving veal or foie gras.
▪ Entertainment:
Although alcoholic beverages are entertainment enough for some (i.e. me), most of your guests probably want to do more than get obscenely drunk and sleep in the yard.
Pumping up the jams and getting an 80’s style dance party going are always great ideas and people will definitely be less self-conscious about busting out their moves dressed as pirates, zombies and Monica Lewinsky.
Download a Halloween-themed playlist from iTunes, make your own life-changing mixtape or just throw on a Misfits CD and groove all night long.
You can also set the mood by playing a creepy horror movie in the background. Set the volume to mute and let your TV act as some sort of incredibly expensive party decoration… unless the World Series is on, which will turn all of your guests into boring, baseball obsessed drones.
▪ Décor:
Speaking of decorations, turning your humble abode into a haunted den of iniquity may be the most important aspect of preparation for your Halloween gala.
While carved pumpkins and phony cobwebs are the gold standard, it can’t hurt to mix things up and be original. Old curtains or gauze pads can be fashioned into ghostly shapes and stained clothing and scrap lumber are all you need for an incredible scarecrow.
I’d also hit up the folks for some of their Halloween leftovers. My mom has garbage bags full of amazingly cheesy lawn ornaments and I’m sure your junk-hording matriarchs have some as well.
It also might be a good idea to buy inexpensive, low-maintenance decorations. Think of the relief you’ll feel as you drunkenly force your obnoxious guests out the front door and realize that all of this Halloween crap can go right into the garbage.
In closing, don’t forget to have a raging time at your Halloween bash and now is the time to get super stoked for next week’s amazing Halloween costume blog.
See ya then!
So, it’s 10:15pm on a Wednesday and my wife has been gone for the past 4 days on a team-building camping trip with her students. 72 hours ago I officially finished moving into our new house and although I love the space, I’ve had a somewhat difficult time acclimating to the nights here where it’s been just me and my 11 pound dog. Excuse me, let me rephrase that; the evenings at this place have been nothing short of pure terror as I lay in bed listening to the symphony of horror disguised as a series of the most awful house settling creaks and moans to have ever existed. Fun!
Anyway, number 3 on the list below just popped up on Cinemax, which means I can look forward to a night chock full of waiting for some human-spider-hybrid to cozy up next to me for a goodnight kiss. In the meanwhile, you’re more than welcome to dissect, ridicule and be confused by my list of the ten greatest horror movies ever made. Also, be sure to check out the ‘Diaper Moments’ below, depicting the scariest bits in each individual movie.
10. An American Werewolf in London (1981)
Many fellow horror aficionados (and 30 year old pony-tailed obese men whose ‘roommates’ are their parents) would argue that ‘An American Werewolf…’ belongs nowhere near a list of horror films since much of its dialogue is both comedic in tone and delivery, thus rendering it a comedy. To those individuals who question the films’ genre, I direct you to the picture located on the right. This image is a screenshot of the film during one of its many nightmare sequences. It is also the reason for the plastic bed sheets forced upon me when I first saw the movie in 1991. Or at least that’s what I tell my wife. Any levity found in ‘Werewolf’ should be considered as a wildly effective tool used by its’ director, John Landis. The movie relaxes you with comedy then shocks with scenes featuring some of the most terrifying images I’ve ever encountered. This is a movie guaranteed to ruin your grandmother’s pacemaker.
Diaper Moment: The aforementioned nightmare sequence that ends with the cutie pie above.
9. The Wicker Man (1973)
To answer your question, no; this film has no connection to the ‘Burning Man’ parties held in late August across the country. First of all, ‘The Wicker Man’ isn’t about a bunch of smelly hippies dancing to 22 minute versions of awful Perpetual Groove songs around an enormous burning wooden structure. It’s about a bunch of Celtic pagan psychopaths ritualistically dancing around an enormous burning wooden structure, which just so happens to house the films’ protagonist. And to answer your second question, yes; I do secretly own Perpetual Groove’s entire catalogue. The films’ most frightening scenes are more cerebral than your average jump-scares, but are just as effective, if not more so. Hot on the heels of a string of successful, albeit corny, Dracula flicks, Christopher Lee turns in one of the greatest religious zealot nut bag performances of all time; only second to Billy Graham and that Christ guy.
Diaper Moment: Sergeant Neil Howie screaming as he’s forced inside The Wicker Man.
8. Jacob’s Ladder (1990)
Half a study of the effects of war on the human psyche / half validation for the handful of Ambien I took to get me to fall asleep the first night I saw it, ‘Jacob’s Ladder’ is the Holy Grail of disturbing film going experiences. ‘Ladder’ also marks two important events in my life; 1) The first time I took Tim Robbins seriously since ‘Howard the Duck’ and 2) The first time I ever cried from being too scared. I’m dead serious. Try getting through the scene mentioned in the ‘Diaper Moment’ below without being affected on a profoundly deep level. It’s actually too much.
The supporting cast is a bit lacking (which is why it isn’t higher on the list), but I cannot stress enough just how much sleep you will lose after seeing this film. Clear your calendar.
Diaper Moment: Tim Robbins’ girlfriend, Elizabeth Pena, dances with a friend who slowly becomes a winged-demon-beast-thing and somehow causes a horn to erupt from Pena’s mouth. A special thanks goes out to Mom & Dad for getting HBO in my bedroom when I was a kid! Expect an invoice from my psychiatrist.
7. The Shining (1980)
For a while, I was under the impression that the only thing Jack Nicholson was good at was getting Roman Polanski to leave the country. It turns out that he’s also great at acting like a murderous mental patient with a penchant for quoting Ed McMahon. If you’ve yet to see the ghost house epic that is ‘The Shining’, please forget the iconic quotes and images you’ve been fed by mass marketing since 80’. Instead, prepare yourself for the most frightening bathroom scene in movie history, three powerhouse performances and the single least attractive female lead of all time. No offense, but Shelley Duvall’s face is half the reason why ‘The Shining’ is as terrifying as it is.
Diaper Moment: As Jack Torrance’s grip on reality slips away, he hallucinates a beautiful woman in one of the rooms of the vacant resort he’s been commissioned to manage during the off season. Things take a turn for the worse after pulling away from kissing her; he’s been kissing the rapidly decomposing body of an elderly dead woman.
6. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
The follow up to Romero’s seminal zombie masterpiece, ‘Night of the Living Dead’ (which we’ll get to later), ‘Dawn…’ picks up with a new group of survivors several weeks after the initial zombie outbreak. As the government tries to handle the exponentially growing threat of undead, bad-a** Ken Foree & three others fortify a shopping mall in hopes of outlasting the zombie crisis. The ‘Citizen Kane’ of gore classics, ‘Dawn’ is 100% horror fun in its purest form. A must see for any fan of the genre.
Diaper Moment: SWAT operative, Ken Foree, stumbles upon a holding pen packed with frenzied zombies feeding on their own relatives.
5. [REC] (2007)
Ever since its’ mainstream introduction with ‘The Blair Witch Project’ in 99’, the “found footage” tactic in horror has become as stale as Joan Rivers’ breast milk. Recent “found footage” entries, like ‘Cloverfield’, have abused the format as more of a gimmick than a legitimate plot point. ‘[REC]’, on the other hand, nurtures and reinvents the shaky-cam subgenre (if you can even call it that while keeping a straight face) by treating the camera as a character. Spanish filmmakers, Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza, are on a mission to abuse the audience on a purely visceral level with their shocking take on the increasingly tired zombie genre. Spicing things up a bit by adding in elements of ‘The Exorcist’, ‘[REC]’ makes the most of its surprisingly modest budget. It’s a film that may turn off some viewers with its slow start, but once it picks up you can expect to find yourself numb after the credits roll. Do yourself a favor and take a pass on the American remake, ‘Quarantine’.
Diaper Moment: The final 4 minutes. I defy you to experience a good night’s sleep after watching it.
4. The Fly (1986)
Featuring the single most depressing ending since ‘Old Yeller’, Cronenberg’s adaptation of ‘The Fly’, utilizes Shakespearean themes and state of the art makeup and creature effects to tell the tale of a brilliant scientist who becomes a man-fly, then a fly-man and ultimately…Jeff Goldblum. Actually it’s the other way around. It’s a one-man show as Goldblum’s Dr. Seth Brundle bounces off walls, chews scenery and vomits digestive enzymes on fellow cast members. As with all of Cronenberg’s films, there’s more than meets the eye here. Or should I say…meets…THE FLY!!!!!
Sorry.
Diaper Moment: In an attempt to impress a girl, Brundle challenges her enormous boyfriend to an arm wrestling contest. Still not fully in control of his new found strength, Brundle gives the boyfriend’s arm a compound fracture.
3. The Thing (1982)
Although it’s technically a remake of ‘The Thing from Another World’, Carpenter’s vision is entirely different and far more brutal than its origins. Tremendous in scope and post-apocalyptic in tone, ‘The Thing’ is the ultimate who-dun-it of horror. Its creature effects are still shockingly impressive and Kurt Russell’s performance is extraordinary.
Diaper Moment: Dr. Cooper tries to revive Norris after he appears to have a heart attack. When Cooper attempts defibrillation both his hands and the paddles break through Norris’ chest revealing a giant mouth lined with jagged teeth.
2. In the Mouth of Madness (1994)
Criminally underappreciated, ‘In the Mouth of Madness’ documents the end of days through a ‘what if’ scenario involving a Stephen King-esque writer and his growing legion of fans whose rabid allegiance give the stories the power to become reality. I don’t even want to tell you more than that because going into this film blindly is the best way to experience it. People turning into monsters, literary agents going axe happy in midtown Manhattan and Sam Neill running away from something that isn’t from the Cretaceous period; all I can say is, “Do you read Sutter Cane?”
Diaper Moment: Sam Neill’s character, John Trent, investigates an odd sound coming from his hotel’s basement. He finds the hotel’s owner, the elderly Mrs. Pickman, in the midst of changing into a squid-like beast and hacking her husband up with an axe.
1. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
It’s really impossible for me to say anything that hasn’t already been said about this film. It’s not only my favorite horror movie, but it is without a doubt my favorite movie of all time. Hands down.
Diaper Moment: “They’re coming to get you, Barbara.”