Well it’s that time of year again. SportsCenter is airing
every bit of NCAA basketball coverage it can find. Doug Gottlieb is going out
on a limb and choosing all the top seeds to advance to the Final Four. Bob
Knight is furious about Auburn not being included. Suit and ties at every
office building are huddled over their monitors debating the merits of Siena
beating Louisville and then loudly boasting that they’re choosing Siena.
It’s all nonsense. There is really only one foolproof way to
choose a national champion. School
nicknames. That’s right. It’s the most scientific, evidence-based method of
selecting upsets, slam dunks, and nail biters.
The Nickname Brawl will focus on factors including a
reality-based showdown between school nicknames, the smell test, the eye test,
the soft touch test, historical context, and an extra variable that will be
determined on a game-by-game matchup.
So here we go!
Midwest Bracket
1. Louisville
Cardinals
16. Play-in Game:
Alabama St. Hornets/Morehead St. Eagles
We’ll start with the play-in game, which has always been a
crowd pleaser. Each team playing its guts out to receive the honor of losing by
600 to the overall number 1 seed the following round. But luckily this is not
the NCAA tournament and the Hornets and Eagles have just as good a shot of
winning the whole thing as the number 1 seed.
At first glance, you have to go with the Eagles. I think
birds of prey eat bugs. Is a hornet even a bug, though? Not sure on that one,
but then you have to remember that hornets are mean! They can sting and sting
and sting. Not like a honey bee. If this were a matchup of the Eagles and the
Honey Bees, done deal for the Eagles. But these are hornets, just for fun we'll say that they are these hornets:
In a slight upset the Hornets sting the Eagles just
one too many times and move on to face Louisville.
Louisville has no chance. Let’s be honest here. They just
got finished watching the Hornets beat the Eagles. Now math may not be my
strong point, but I know this: Eagles>Cardinals. I even think the Hornets
take it easy on the Cardinals and still dominate. Thinking about a hornet
stinging a cardinal kind of seems messed up. Cardinals can’t even peck things.
They rely on old men in Maine penitentiaries to keep them in their inside coat
pockets and feed them scraps. Fact.
8. Ohio St. Buckeyes
9. Siena Saints
Little bit of research needed on this one. What exactly is a
Buckeye? OK done. I was under the impression that it was a plant. Or a leaf. I
was close. It’s a tree. And it stinks! Poisonous to
cattle… and humans! Oh no. The last time I checked saints are human. Or more
than human? Better than humans. Got it. So I figure that a saint will have
enough common sense to not eat this tree. Which was really the only shot the
Buckeyes had.
Simply by not eating a tree, the Saints have moved on.
Riveting.
5. Utah Utes
12. Arizona Wildcats
Back to the books. What constitutes a Ute? And finally, this
is years in the making, I will know just what a wildcat is.
Well as it turns out, the University of Utah’s nickname is
named after the Ute Tribe of Native Americans. I feel like I should have known
that. Further, the men’s basketball team is referred to as the Runnin’ Utes and
the women’s team was the Lady Utes, but now prefers just the Utes. Not kidding,
pretty fascinating stuff.
As for a wildcat? Apparently there is an Old World wildcat.
Wildcats are also members belonging to the genus Lynx. Genus? Stay out of this, Science. We’ll stick to whatever
lives in the U.S., which could be a Canadian Lynx or a Bobcat. OK, what? The
University of Arizona Canadian Lynx? I kind of like it… But that’s enough. A
wildcat is this.
AH! Taxidermy for cash, huh? OK well whatever it is, it
ain’t beating a Ute. As the saying goes, there’s more than one way to skin a
cat. Unless you’re a Ute, in which case there are like a million ways!
Utes big.
4. Wake Forest Demon
Deacons
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
Classic matchup. Demon Deacons versus Vikings. Or Vikes.
Cool nick-nickname. As a little digging uncovered, though, the Demon Deacons is
as lame a nickname as you’ll find. Apparently, they used to be the Wake Forest
Fighting Baptists (awesome), but switched to the Demon Deacons after a
particularly spirited game against Duke. They were noted for their spirited
fight and devilish play. Lame. I really expected the Deacons to go far. It’s a
great name. Unfortunately for Wake Forest, the Internet exists.
Vikes, without much effort, and without even needing any
“devilish” tactics, move on.
6. West Virginia
Mountaineers
11. Dayton Flyers
Mountaineers and Flyers. OK, here’s a mountaineer.
Not really. Here you go (and we’re trying to stay current).
Mountaineers own mountains. Mountain?
No shot against a mountaineer. However, the Mountaineers are not taking on a
mountain in the first round. They are facing off against the Flyers. The Flyers
of the University of Dayton were named in honor of the Wright Brothers, who
invented the airplane in Dayton. So a Mountaineer versus the Wright Brothers. 2
on 1. Kind of not fair. But this is a Mountaineer we’re talking about. (Please
use Bill Raftery voice). Dominate! A little kiss off the glass! The big fella!
Smash those goggles! Grab that pilot scarf…Domination!
Mountaineers in a tough one.
3. Kansas Jayhawks
14. North Dakota St.
Bison
We talked earlier about the slam dunk matchups, and here’s
your first one. Really? A bison against a jayhawk? Rock Chalk, Jayhawk? Come on
now. It’s a bison. Maybe the jayhawk could antagonize him, but
I’m guessing no. Maybe it would have a shot if it were fighting this bison.
Awww. But still no. And if it has any shot of defeating the North Dakota St.
Bison, it will need this. Ahhh, so
that’s where the mouth is! Victory!
No. Bison big.
7. Boston College
Eagles
10. USC Trojans
Well this is our second eagle versus something matchup and
once again it looks like the eagle is going to lose. Trojans have swords. And
helmets like this.
Do you know what that brush thing is for? Warding off swooping birds! Hey
eagle, thinking of using this move?
Think again! Your talons will just get a nice cleaning. Once the eagle goes
tumbling to the ground it will most likely get the
Sarah-Palin-in-the-foreground-giving-an-interview-treatment. Not good.
Trojans moving forward.
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
15. Robert Morris
Colonials
Finally! A historical matchup of epic proportion! A Spartan
(from Sparta),
part of one of the most famous armies in history… up against a colonial (from a
colony).
Uh oh. And beyond that, Robert Morris University was founded
in 1921 as the Pittsburgh School of Accountancy. Yikes. Not tough.
Although, I don’t see these two men fighting. I think they
would work it out in advance.
Spartan: If we fight…
Colonial: (Sweating and nodding furiously)
Spartan: I will kill you.
Colonial: (Gross half burp under breath. Holding back vomit)
Spartan: So how about you just lie down and act dead?
Colonial: (Stops holding breath) Deal! Now give me a piece
of paper to sign, we like that kind of thing.
Spartans moving on.
West Bracket
1. Connecticut
Huskies
16. UT Chattanooga
Mocs
Very interesting matchup here. Not the Huskies. We all know
what a husky is. It’s a dog. A crazy dog. They like to pull sleds. And shed.
Now as for the Mocs, I’m baffled. Apparently, so is UT
Chattanooga. Originally they were the Moccasins, represented by the water
moccasin.
In case you can’t tell, that’s a snake. In the water! Oh. Dear.
God. That is my number one fear. Is anywhere safe?! Foolishly, UT Chattanooga
switched to being represented by a shoe. Come on now. Not cool.
Then, in the 1970s they switched to having a mascot known as
Chief Moccanooga. Wow. In a move that could only mean that someone there was
finally using common sense (aka not the guy who got rid of the water moccasins)
they rid themselves of the Chief and went to the currently used Mocs, which is
represented by a mockingbird driving a train. Zany!
UT Chattanooga, for your flip-flopping, fickle, absurd
approach to a very serious matter you have lost to a fluffy dog, which,
coincidentally, is terrified of snakes (side note: not true).
Huskies advance.
8. BYU Cougars
9. Texas A&M
Aggies
A cougar versus someone who attends an agricultural college.
This presents a dilemma. Cougars are very savvy. And have large teeth used for
eating humans. Farmers (someone who attends an agricultural college) own guns.
And are angry. Mainly at cougars.
Aggies win a close one.
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
12. Northern Iowa
Panthers
A boilermaker is awesome. This is not up for debate. Anyone
who uses a blow torch to repair and make hot water boilers is awesome. They
wear welding masks. Enough said. A panther is just a fancy name for a cougar.
Or puma. Or mountain lion. Come on, scientists! Knock it off with this multiple
name thing.
Regardless, a boilermaker would put on his welding mask,
light his blow torch and absolutely terrify
a panther.
Boilermakers, impressively, move on to the next round.
4. Washington Huskies
13. Mississippi St.
Bulldogs
Ah, we knew this matchup would have to happen someday. But
we all hoped it wouldn’t. Two dog breeds. Are they going to fight? Of course
not. Dogs should not fight one another. We only have one choice. A race. OK
kind of not fair. How about one of those obstacle course things like on ESPN?
Also a blowout. Eating contest? Seems grotesque. Well, it’s a push. Both teams
lose. Purdue gets a bye in the next round. Because honestly, neither a husky, nor
a bulldog, stood a chance against a boilermaker.
6. Marquette Golden
Eagles
11. Utah St. Aggies
Another eagle. Come on, universities! Let’s try to be more
creative. Although, I guess Marquette has the Golden Eagles, which at least is
specific. I know of two types of eagles: bald and I guess golden. Question,
though. Have you seen a bald eagle? Majestic! A little research revealed that
Marquette had a UT Chattanooga-esque identity crisis and only settled on the
Golden Eagles in 1994. Sad. A little more research uncovered that one of the
previous nicknames was the Golden Avalanche. Really cool. An avalanche of gold.
Deadly! And expensive.
In a thrilling upset (that being the fact that I have 2
Aggies moving on to the next round), the Aggies defeat the Golden Eagles of
Marquette.
3. Missouri Tigers
14. Cornell Big Red
Now when I was pondering doing this, I had to give a good
amount of thought about what to do with school nicknames that were colors. I
realize that a lot of these names are based mainly on tradition (or Ivy
snobbery): Harvard Crimson, Dartmouth Big Green, Cornell Big Red, etc. But
luckily I kept thinking and realized that these names are based on nothing but
good old-fashioned laziness.
Add a fierce name in there! Harvard Crimson Murderers.
Dartmouth Big Green Rabid Goats. Cornell Big Red Wave of Bloodied Cougars. You
get the idea. And so, henceforth, any school with a color nickname
automatically loses.
Plus, the Big Red were facing the Tigers. Blowout.
Tigers win.
7. California Golden
Bears
10. Maryland
Terrapins
Let’s see. A terrapin is a turtle. OK I won’t write them off
immediately. Let’s see just what a golden bear is. It’s a lie that’s what it
is. Golden bear? Doesn’t exist. No such bear as a golden bear. Unlike the
golden eagle. Apparently, in 1872 a banner was made with what was supposed to
be a golden grizzly bear (symbol of the state of California), and Cal
eventually became the Golden Bears.
So are we pitting a grizzly against a terrapin? You have to
go with the grizzly. A turtle can only hide in its shell for so long, before
the bear eventually eats the whole thing. However, the terrapins have one of
the best nick-nicknames out there: Terps. Pretty sweet.
Nick-nicknames aside, the terp gets devoured by the grizzly.
2. Memphis Tigers
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
This could be one of the best matchups of the first round.
On one hand we have a tiger. As it turns out, tigers are mean and are willing
to eat people. They also do not fear the color red. On the other hand, matadors
are crazy! They stand directly in front of bulls with nothing more than a red
sheet (and an incredibly sharp sword). Also, their pants are tight. Very tight.
What would happen in this case? Would the tiger charge the
matador like a bull? Would it just maul the matador as terrified spectators
look on? This matchup would be held in a huge stadium in Spain. The tiger would
be flown in from Russia. Basketball would not be discussed. In an unbelievable
display of athleticism, the matador would defeat the tiger. Think Valpo beating
Mississippi.
Matadors stun tigers.
East Bracket
1. Pittsburgh
Panthers
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
Admission time. I love pirates. The only thing I love more
than pirates? Cool synonyms for pirates. The Bucs. Classic. Even if you find
yourself rooting for another team, you always secretly wish you could be
rooting for the Bucs. Come on Bucs! Let’s go Bucs! You cannot beat that.
As for Panthers? What did I say earlier? Stick with a name,
guys. Plus, geographical location is big here, too. When I think of East
Tennessee I think of pirates. It’s really that simple.
Digger Phelps picked Pitt to win it all. Sorry, Digger, you
can highlight the line below.
Bucs win huge.
8. Oklahoma St.
Cowboys
9. Tennessee
Volunteers
In this matchup I’m exercising my right to be ignorant. Now
I’m sure Tennessee has some noble and self-important reason for being the
Volunteers, but I do not care. They are volunteering to lose here. Cowboys are
tough. It’s that simple. They are also jerks. They spit constantly. Even when
they have no saliva in their mouths they can spit. Here is their diet: beans
out of dirty cans, whiskey. Done.
Cowboys in a romp.
5. Florida St. Seminoles
12. Wisconsin Badgers
I’m really liking this East bracket. Earlier we had a lot of
animals. This bracket we’ve got some real tough SOBs. In this matchup we have
the Seminoles and the Badgers. Now normally I would have to go against any
school nickname that involves a Native American tribe because it’s really not
as if the school (and especially not the basketball team) are honoring the
tribe in any way. But let’s leave that alone (plus I already picked the Utes
earlier).
If I remember anything from grade school (and I do) it’s
that badgers are nasty animals. They might start out their lives looking pretty
cute.
But at the age of 2 they become this.
Fact. Unfortunately when they are matched up with the Seminoles, no matter what
age they are, they quickly become this.
Seminoles moving on.
4. Xavier Musketeers
13. Portland St.
Vikings
I did say earlier that I loved the Vikes. But I can’t put
this group of Vikes past the Musketeers. The Three Musketeers were great. It’s
an underrated candy bar. Kind of the ginger ale of candy bars. It’ll never be
your first choice but once you go with it you’re quite happy.
Plus, I feel like a Viking would just run at a musketeer
like a jerk. No strategy involved. The musketeer would simply move to one side,
grab a chandelier, flip seven times, throw his sword in the air, spin around
6.5 times, catch his sword, and then slice the Viking up good.
Might be surprising to some, but the Musketeers move on with
ease.
6. UCLA Bruins
11. Virginia
Commonwealth Rams
A bruin is a bear. Glad we got that out of the way. Rams hit
things with their heads. Or, more specifically, with their horns. So where is
this matchup taking place? If we’re on a mountain I gotta go with the ram. If
they’re fighting on top of a ball, I gotta go with the bear. Although...
Actually, no. That does not look promising.
The Bruins take it.
3. Villanova Wildcats
14. American Univ.
Eagles
This matchup makes me mad. These are two of the most generic
nicknames out there. We’ve already established what a wildcat is. Not all that
impressive. But we’re going to break out some biology here. Cats eat birds.
Even Canadian Lynx eat birds. I think. Now an eagle is a serious bird, with
serious talons. But my guess is the wildcat will take down the eagle in this
scenario.
Wildcats, unimpressively, move on to the next round.
7. Texas Longhorns
10. Minnesota Golden
Gophers
A lot of gold as an adjective for teams. Why do the gophers
have to be gold? I know I liked it earlier with the Golden Avalanche, but now
I’m tired of it. Longhorns seem to be slow and very cow-like. But they have one
thing going for them. This.
Wow. Extremely impressive. Although not that aggressive, I think those horns
are more than enough to scare off some gopher. Unless, maybe, if it's this gopher. I'm
allllright, don't nobody worry ‘bout me.
So he might have a chance. But he’s a normal gopher, not a
golden gopher. Caddyshack gopher would win.
Golden Gophers get gored (alliteration).
2. Duke Blue Devils
15. Binghamton
Bearcats
I’m really torn on this one. First off, what would beat a
devil? I mean, a devil is pretty untouchable right? But the Duke Blue Devils
are only blue because that’s a school color. Not really scary. I’m just not
feeling it.
So here’s how we decide. As I’m lying in bed, about to fall
asleep, what thought would cause me to have nightmares? A devil? Eh. Or a bearcat? Ah!
What on Earth is that thing? It’s not a bear. Or a cat. I can definitely see it
latching on to my neck, though. Do you see those eyes? Bloodthirsty!
Bearcats destroy the Blue Devils.
South Bracket
1. North Carolina Tar
Heels
16. Radford
Highlanders
A tar heel is nothing. It means nothing. Well, I guess it
means something to people from North Carolina. It is an original nickname,
which I appreciate, but really, it’s never going to beat anything. Now a
highlander, an inhabitant of the Scottish Highlands, is a little cool? Not
really, though. I’m disappointed in the first matchup of the South bracket. I’m
not looking ahead (lie), but I don’t see good things for the Highlanders, who
have taken this one.
Highlanders in a snoozer.
8. LSU Tigers
9. Butler Bulldogs
I have a hard time thinking about a tiger fighting any
domesticated animal, but Bulldogs are pretty tough. As the Internet has told
me, they were originally bred to bait bulls, as well as bears. And that they
were even able to suffocate them. Yikes.
But still, it’s not looking good for the bulldog. Run,
bulldog, run!
Tigers win. We’ll leave it at that.
5. Illinois Fighting
Illini
12. Western Kentucky
Hilltoppers
Back to the Native American tribe debate. Once again, it
caused issues at the University of Illinois, but eventually they retained the
nickname Fighting Illini, claiming it references Illinoisans who fought in
World War I. Sounds fishy to me. Now normally I would just blindly pick against
the Illini, but they’re facing the Hilltoppers.
The Hilltoppers’ mascot? A giant red blob.
They are called the Hilltoppers because the campus is located on a hill. I am
not making this up. Awful, awful stuff.
World War I Fighting Illini move on. Not happy with this
one.
4. Gonzaga Bulldogs
13. Akron Zips
I’m going to admit to being biased on this one. Love the
Zips. On top of my bias, I am sick of bulldogs. We get it, people like
bulldogs. They lose. But let’s look more at the Zips. Their mascot is a
kangaroo. A female kangaroo. Very cool. Originality is topnotch here, and that
counts for something. Plus, although Akron’s nickname had nothing to do with a
kangaroo (actually it was based on a sneaker), I still like to think about
kangaroos fighting. And this story.
It’s just interesting, OK!
Zips big.
6. Arizona St. Sun
Devils
11. Temple Owls
I’m not looking up what a Sun Devil is. I’ve seen the logo.
Pitchfork, etc. Nothing new. Not a fan of the devil nickname. As for owls? Owls
are serious.
This woman? Is fearing for her life. Plus, when
owls feel strongly about something they will mess
you up.
Owls take it.
3. Syracuse Orange
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
This might be our most one-sided matchup of the first round.
It rivals Jayhawks/Bison. I’ve already discussed my hatred of color nicknames.
Add to that the incredible nickname of the Lumberjacks and we’ve got ourselves
a beatdown. I fully expect the Lumberjacks to thrive.
Lumberjacks in a walk.
7. Clemson Tigers
10. Michigan
Wolverines
This is a big time matchup. Tigers have fared well thus far.
There are a lot of tigers out there, in many different states. I was unaware of
this prior to this tournament. Let’s move on to the Wolverines. Here is one.
Kidding. But apparently they are pretty fierce animals. Pound for pound, just tough.
Do not wake him up.
I like the Wolverines here, based mainly on looks. It’s
legit.
Wolverines take down the Tigers.
2. Oklahoma Sooners
15. Morgan St. Bears
Last matchup of the first round and it’s a doozy. So far
bears have been making out really well in this tourney. And they’ve got this
one as well. When I think of a Sooner I just think of someone who showed up
early and claimed land. A little sneaky if you ask me. They might have guns,
but they have to sleep sometime… at which time, bam! Bear claw in the face.
Bears have it. On to round 2.
Round 2
Midwest Bracket
9. Siena Saints
16. Alabama St.
Hornets
I’m picturing a swarm of angry hornets chasing Mother
Theresa. Really wrong I know. I can’t help it. OK she’s not even a saint. Just
looked it up. I’m stunned about that one. Also, they have this guy.
Longest name in NCAA tournament history. His full name is actually Grlenntys
Chief Kickingstallionsims Jr. I’m a fan.
Book it. Hornets moving on.
5. Utah Utes
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
Really like the Vikes in this one. As solid as the Utes are,
I just can’t see them taking down the Vikes. Any animal foe and I would take
the Utes, but this seems like a physical battle and for that I gotta go with
the guys wearing those horned helmets.
Vikings headed to the Sweet Sixteen.
6. West Virginia
Mountaineers
14. North Dakota St.
Bison
A tricky one here, as I’m having a hard time taking animals
over humans. Humans are just so smart. And good at beating animals in things.
However, have you ever seen an angry bison charge? No? It’s a glorious thing.
Fine, I’ve never seen it, but I know I’d be terrified. Going with the Bison
here. Just too good at charging.
Bison moving ahead.
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
10. USC Trojans
Spartans win. It happened already. Done.
West Bracket
1. Connecticut Huskies
9. Texas A&M
Aggies
After winning by default in round one over the infuriating
UT Chattanooga Mocs, the Huskies are looking to find a way to pull one out
against the Aggies. I’m still not sold on any Aggie (that’s right, not one),
but I know huskies enjoy having owners. And why would an Aggie not want a husky
to do stuff, you know, agricultural stuff? I’m thinking even the angriest husky
could be tamed, and so I’ve got the Aggies winning.
Bye
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
The Boilermakers can sit back and take it easy as they have
a bye this round. However, they still feel the need to do work. They need to
weld. It’s like breathing for them. A very interesting strategy. Hopefully it
doesn’t backfire in the Sweet Sixteen.
3. Missouri Tigers
11. Utah St. Aggies
What if both sets of Aggies were to meet in the Elite Eight?
Would they just sit down and talk about plant and crops? Is that an offensive
question to an Aggie? Luckily, we’ll never have to find out because there ain’t
no way an Aggie is handling a tiger. It’s not pretty. Maybe if the Aggie had
matador-like agility it’d be a different story. No luck.
Tigers move on.
7. California Golden
Bears
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
I just can’t go against the Matadors. If we’re going to give
them the nod over the Tigers of Memphis, you’re telling me they can’t polish
off a grizzly? Let’s put it this way. Grizzlies are slower than tigers.
Grizzlies don’t have stripes. Grizzlies love tight pants. Recipe for disaster
for the Cal Golden Bears.
Matadors take down the Grizz.
East Bracket
8. Oklahoma St.
Cowboys
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
Really tough one here. Both have leathery skin. Both wear
great looking hats. Cowboys ride horses. Pretty good. Pirates have pirate
ships. Also pretty good. Cowboys move cattle. Not that cool. Pirates find
hidden treasure. Awesome! Cowboys have rifles. Eh. Pirates use cannons.
Tremendous. You can see where this is going. A pirate and a cowboy square off?
You know that pirate is going to do something really slimy and find a way to
beat the cowboy.
Bucs win!
4. Xavier Musketeers
5. Florida St.
Seminoles
Well we know musketeers wear puffy clothes. This is not in
their favor. Previously, I lauded the candy bar. Not gonna cut it this round
boys. You gotta bring more than nougat. The Seminoles don’t even like candy.
Seminoles big.
6. UCLA Bruins
3. Villanova Wildcats
Did a wildcat really get through? My bad on that one. The
Bruins romp in this one. Not only are bears pretty strong but they also love to
eat wildcats. The list of things bears love to eat goes like this (top 4): 1.
Honey 2. Salmon 3. Wildcats 4. That guy from Grizzly Man. Done. That’s the
list,
Bruins over ‘Cats.
7. Texas Longhorns
15. Binghamton
Bearcats
Now I know you saw the creature that currently haunts my
dreams previously. But I just can’t get over those horns. One look at those
babies and that bearcat isn’t coming down from his tree. So unless he can wait
around until the longhorn tries to fall asleep and has horrendous nightmares
about the very sight of the bearcat, I think this one’s over.
Longhorns drop ‘Cats.
South Bracket
8. LSU Tigers
16. Radford
Highlanders
Seeing as how the Highlanders barely scraped by the Tar
Heels, is it any surprise they get mauled by the Bayou Bengals? The matchup could
even take place in the Scottish Highlands and it’s still a blowout.
Tigers huge.
5. Illinois Fighting
Illini
13. Akron Zips
I expressed my displeasure with having to put the Illini
through, but considering they were going up against the Big Red Blobs, I had no
choice. But guess what, Illini? You’re facing the Zips now. Biggest Cinderella
story of the tournament. Love those Zips. The Zips are running circles around
the Fighting Illinoisans from World War I. It’s a complete joke!
Zips embarrass the Illini.
11. Temple Owls
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
Listen, the Lumberjacks are good. I mean, if we were to
re-seed this entire thing they might be the overall number 1 seed. Think UCLA’s
88-game winning streak teams. UNLV in 1990. Indiana in 1976. The Owls, for all
their spirited anti-drinking endeavors, are no match for a lumberjack. Not
complicated.
Lumberjacks move on with ease.
10. Michigan
Wolverines
15. Morgan St. Bears
Another all animal matchup and it looks like a humdinger.
The Wolverines stunned the animal world in the first round when they took down
the Tigers of Clemson, and might be a bit worn out for this one. The showdown
begins and… oh my God! The wolverine goes absolutely berserk. I’m
flabbergasted. The bear stood no chance. Here are the numbers: the wolverine
weighs 45 lbs. The bear weighs 700 tons. Time of fight: 32 seconds.
Wolverines have once again bucked the favorite and move on
to the Sweet Sixteen.
Sweet Sixteen
Midwest Bracket
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
16. Alabama St.
Hornets
The Hornets have had an unbelievable run. They have momentum
on their side. They have the Chief. But the Vikes, who’ve taken down the Demon
Deacons and the Aggies from Utah, are not about to let the Hornets end their
run. They smash the Hornets. And eat them. Then they eat a bunch of Snickers.
Vikes onto the Elite Eight.
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
14. North Dakota St.
Bison
I was hoping that the Bison wouldn’t get matched up with a
team like the Spartans. There’s just nothing they can do. This won’t even be
close. Not only are the Spartans incredible at fighting, but they are also
smart. They know Greek. Not sure if you know this or not, but Greek is not an
easy language to learn. There’s a completely different alphabet. I don’t think
the Bison will be able to handle it. They had a good run.
Spartans move on.
West Bracket
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
9. Texas A&M
Aggies
The Boilermakers are somewhat well rested. They still worked
an 18-hour day, but compared to their normal 22-hour day, their bye game was a
much needed vacation. The Aggies actually show up, but the outcome is never in
doubt. Boilermakers burn up the Aggies, weld certain areas to um other certain
areas and well, it’s not pretty.
Boilermakers looking unbeatable.
3. Missouri Tigers
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
So far the Mats (that’s what I’m calling them from now on)
have taken down a tiger and a bear. And now they get another tiger? Hey
selection committee? Don’t tell me you didn’t see this one coming a mile away.
Unacceptable!
The Mats win in formulaic fashion.
East Bracket
5. Florida St.
Seminoles
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
The Bucs have really looked good so far. The Seminoles
haven’t really faced anything the likes of a pirate. Now don’t get me wrong the
Seminoles have been impressive in getting this far, but come on. I don’t recall
Mikey from the Goonies going off searching for hidden Native American treasure.
He knew what he was doing.
Noles get dumped by the Bucs.
6. UCLA Bruins
7. Texas Longhorns
For some reason the Bruins have been our best bear entry.
They just get it. And the Sweet Sixteen is no exception. John Wooden would be
proud. Wait, Johnny is still alive? Correction. John Wooden is proud. Sacrilege, I know.
Regardless, the Bruins move on.
South Bracket
8. LSU Tigers
13. Akron Zips
My love for the Zips has not gone unmentioned. But against a
tiger it just isn’t feasible. A fast kangaroo? And a tiger. But, seeing as how
this is the tournament, upsets abound! Nope, still can’t do it. Yes I can!
Zips, in a show of pure speed and crazy kangaroo kicking and boxing, defeat the
Bayou Bengals.
Zips find a way.
10. Michigan
Wolverines
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
In their first two rounds, the Wolverines took down two very
large animals by just being crazy. But unfortunately they’ve run up against the
vaunted Lumberjacks, who simply decimate their habitat and then just wait and
wait until eventually the Wolverines are extinct. The Lumberjacks—tough but
fair.
‘Jacks onto the Elite Eight.
Elite Eight
Midwest Bracket
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
13. Cleveland St.
Vikings
So far the Spartans have looked untouchable. The Vikes have
also held their own, but let’s not forget the Spartans are trained killing
machines. The Vikes give it a great go, but in the end their helmets only cover
their heads, while the Spartans’ helmets cover their noses. Advantage Spartans
(from Sparta).
Our first Final Four team, the Spartans.
West Bracket
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
15. Cal St.
Northridge Matadors
The Mats have been a real crowd pleaser throughout the
tourney, but they have only faced animals. The Boilermakers have put in a
workmanlike effort (obviously) thus far. And, in a bit of a surprise, it’s not
close. The tights. The red blanket. Even the hat. No match for the
Boilermakers. They are unimpressed and anxious to return to work.
Boilermakers will face the Spartans in the Final Four.
East Bracket
6. UCLA Bruins
16. East Tennessee
St. Buccaneers
In what would have been the equivalent of all four number
one seeds making the Final Four, an all-human Final Four came quite close to
happening. In fact the Bucs took an early lead, however, in a moment reminiscent of the 2004 fox series, the bruins reminded us exactly who was man and who was beast:
Bucs lose.
South Bracket
13. Akron Zips
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
The Lumberjacks have been unstoppable. And no upset this
time. The kangaroos try everything in their repertoire. The boxing. The
kicking. The offering of itself for greenhouse-gas-reducing meat. Nada. One
swing of the ax and it’s all over. The Zips gave it a great run, but in the end
they are done.
Lumberjacks still dancing.
Final Four
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
5. Purdue
Boilermakers
I wrestled with this one for a long time. OK not that long.
It basically came down to the smell test. Spartans reek. I mean they really
smell awful. Not a lot of showering back then. The Boilermakers work 27-hour
days, but when they do get home they actually take a bath. Further, the welding
mask is awesome, but the Spartan helmet and shield are just too tough for the
Boilers. Tough one, guys.
Spartans in the Final.
6. UCLA Bruins
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
I also gave a lot of thought to this matchup and while I
really liked the Bruins throughout, but then I put myself in the bear’s shoes.
And this is what I saw coming at me.
Oh no! Run bear, run! That guy is nuts. He has never been
afraid of anything in his life. Nothing. I thought it might be possible, but no
way.
Lumberjacks romp.
Final
2. Michigan St.
Spartans
14. Stephen F. Austin
Lumberjacks
Well here we are. If you told me at the beginning we’d have
two non-animal nicknames in the final matchup I never would have believed you.
That being said, I am pleased with where we ended up. This would be a showdown
for the ages. The Spartans are trained to kill. Lumberjacks are trained to be
enormous, capable-of-pushing-over-redwoods, men. Sword and shield vs. ax and
chainsaw.
Now you might think a trained soldier would destroy a
blue-collar lumberjack. But don’t forget lumberjack as a mythological figure. I
can’t get past those lumberjack contests on television. These guys are nuts.
And they know the forest. I can’t run from my feelings.
Lumberjacks take it.
